Carla and I failed to find Abel Gance’s Napoléon for gratis streaming online, so we talked on the loveseat about same-sex marriage, our church, the knowledge of good and evil and whether, and Psalm 91. We enjoy one another’s company and thoughts and genuinely admire one another. (Carla cleaned up dried sewage from our basement floor this afternoon.) As I sat down the kitchen table to close the day with a journal entry, we had the following nigh-Familypants-worthy exchange:
Carla: I like Josh Ambrose.
Scott: He’s always playing the educated agnostic.
Carla: I like that.
Scott: That’s because you’re an educated agnostic.
We’re in the groove, so to speak. I remained calm and focused the entire day at work. She enjoyed a lunch date at Panera with Éa during which she heard several other OCC moms complaining that they’re lonely and without close friends, which caused her to reflect that she is full of friends. I enjoyed a brisk walk in polar temperatures to and from lunch at Ethan’s house for forty-five minutes of conversation with the single friend of mine who is closest in outlook and makeup to me. Éa and I enjoyed me dancing with her in my arms during “25 or 6 to 4” and “Tusk.” Carla volunteered to clean up the sewage solids from the basement floor tomorrow morning.
Remind them to be subject to rulers, to authorities, to be obedient, to be ready for every good deed, to malign no one, to be peaceable, gentle, showing every consideration for all men. For we also once were foolish ourselves, disobedient, deceived, enslaved to various lusts and pleasures, spending our life in malice and envy, hateful, hating one another. But when the kindness of God our Savior and His love for mankind appeared, He saved us, not on the basis of deeds which we have done in righteousness, but according to His mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewing by the Holy Spirit, whom He poured out upon us richly through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that being justified by His grace we would be made heirs according to the hope of eternal life.
— Titus 3:1-8
Methinks we cannot be qualified for salvation by our works, but we can be disqualified.
I’m tired. I didn’t enjoy learning Bach’s St. John Passion this evening at Choral Society rehearsal. I’ve been working hard on DiamondBack’s migration to Salesforce. I carry a slight dread of singing lessons. Why?
In brief, je me suis surmené. And I think my heart, having been dragged along for years now in my mind’s crusade for productivity, order, self-control, and a final end to absent-mindedness, is flagging. Or perhaps it has been flagging a long while before this, but I hadn’t enough self-awareness to notice.
God, Your word to me about how to handle the human heart from Scripture is, I think, another monument along this now 16-month-long, post-Fiddler journey into letting my heart come alive. Thank You. And please keep going.
Carla: He looks like the beggar at the Beautiful Gate. Éa: Who? Scott: One of the people Jesus healed. One of many. Éa: Killed? Scott: HEALED. Carla: And THAT. is why I don’t want our children to read Bible stories yet.
We played a good bit of a modified version of the game above today in the Stilson house. But goshdarn if Sullivan couldn’t manage to let previous answers shape his subsequent questions.
Anyway, two important things today:
I had my first singing lesson with Norman Spivey today.
Ethan and I got together for the first of what I think will be a long, mutually beneficial series of weekly lunches.
In some sense, both of the above are a return to the past. But they’re different: I’m mature enough now to actually avoid melting down in a singing lesson even though Norman and I are working on very basic stuff like “vocal hygiene.” And Ethan and I are less naive about God and life.
Perhaps the retributive justice by proxy understanding that I’ve inherited is only true for people who need it to be true. Some people, like Carla’s cousin Diana, are looking for their sins to be “paid for” in a karmic sense. Others, like the ancient Hebrews, sought a scapegoat upon whom they could lay their sin.
I don’t sense either of these needs myself. Not that I’m without sin. Rather, I see You, God, as perfectly able to forgive without having to make someone pay first. That’s what makes it hard for me to “understand the Atonement” as I’ve been saying recently. And it’s still hard for me to suss out what parts of the “traditional” view of the Atonement are merely my upbringing and what is Scripture.
My primary question is this: if penal substitution and guilt reassignment was merely an optional accessory to the Atonement, what (does the Bible say) was Jesus Himself trying to accomplish that could only be accomplished by being executed?
Perhaps forgiveness was not Your primary goal in Jesus’ execution?
The above leaf dates from thirteen years ago. Kris sent it to me yesterday. A lot in me has changed since then. And a lot sure hasn’t. :)
Speaking of things changing in me, I relapsed into not trusting Carla to by my ally today as the weekend time she was spending on her first council meeting stretched into its third or fourth hour this morning. DON’T DO THAT.
On another note, one of the several reasons I’d like to stick hard to my bedtimes is that I want to put a tad more thought into this journaling. I won’t be leaving much for posterity if I rush through this.
Nevertheless, it’s 10:36pm, and I need to get to bed.
Today what was supposed to be a prayerful walk through Mom’s neighborhood ended up a reestablish who I am, who I’d like to be, and how to go from point A to point B: Follow the impulses of your heart and the desires of your eyes, yet know that God will judge you in the end. Don’t let what you’re not doing distract you from you are doing. (I’m especially prone to be guilty of that last one when the what-I’m-not-doing is the kids. I seem to forget that the best way to get back to the kids is to concentrate fully on what I’m doing.) Whatever you do, do it heartily.
I feel a certain loneliness today, a longing for fellowship. It’s probably because Carla is sick and spent most of the day in bed, although it feels like I’ve been missing something for a while now, a need for a best friend with whom I share not only interests, proximity, and mutual affection, but also approach to God, approach to self-conduct, and way of thinking. No friend of mine thinks like I do. Ethan is the closest I can think of. Perhaps I need to drop him a line.
Nonetheless, Carla and I did finally finish Greed (1924) this evening together. It was an excellent film that prompted me to pray, “Lord, please keep us from being deceived by money.”
Jordan and Stephen divulged to me on our way up to Philipsburg for DiamondBack Christmas party day that playing vertical music for Keystone was the worst experience in their worship-playing careers. The motif of their report was that the people there were “mean.”
As Carla said upon my report of that revelation later this evening, “It’s good when wolves are wolves.”
Now may our God and Father Himself and Jesus our Lord direct our way to you; and may the Lord cause you to increase and abound in love for one another, and for all people…so that He may establish your hearts without blame in holiness before our God and Father at the coming of our Lord Jesus with all His saints.
— Paul in 1 Thessalonians 3:11-13
A gentle sense of Your presence in my life suffused my soul today after work as I reflected on the verse above. Life was good today, and the verse above indicates that love makes us majestically holy. Wow.
While shopping for a Christmas gift for my mom, I found online lists of the best worship albums of the year. I felt convicted: Why have I not been more avid a seeker of music that is not only musically marvelous but thematically rich? Why have I not more frequently combined my favorite medium (music) with my favorite theme (God)?
Grumpiness is a sign that I have not properly handled some other negative emotion. Today, for instance, I didn’t properly handle my feeling tired, having run from to grocery shopping with Éa to unpacking the car to choosing a Christmas tree to decorating for Christmas with Janet over, all without taking a breath.
Put another way, I didn’t guard my heart, tending to it when it was tired, and as a result, it, my wellspring of life (Proverbs 4:23) started to taste bad.
I need to start exploring and expressing negative emotions before they herniate as grumpiness.
(Once again, this mini-revelation came after I asked God to speak to me.)
Shortly after praying tonight that God help me connect with Him, I was reminded that I feel most connected to Him when I apply deliberate, singular concentration to whatever it is I’m doing. I’m so easily distracted by other things I want that I think this serial single-mindedness good practice regardless of its capacity for facilitating divine connection.
NB: Not only concentration, but might. As it’s written: “Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord rather than for men” (Colossians 3:23) and “Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might; for there is no activity or planning or knowledge or wisdom in Sheol where you are going” (Ecclesiastes 9:10).
“You don’t know in advance whether God is going to set you to do something difficult or painful, or something that you will quite like; and some people of heroic mould are disappointed when the job doled out to them turns out to be something quite nice.”
— C.S. Lewis, God in the Dock (p. 53–54), in response to “Is it true that Christians must be prepared to live a life of personal discomfort and sacrifice in order to qualify for ‘Pie in the Sky’?”
The recent thing You’ve been emphasizing to me is the part he says about folks with the ‘heroic mould.’
At Barb’s prompting at church today with some help from having talked with Ethan last night, I recapped what I meant by church last week having changed my life: In the same way that I’ve ceased wanting to be a great singer and begun just singing, blowing away my received application of Matthew 24:14 has finally allowed me to cease wanting to be a great Christian and begin just Christ-ing.
“Beloved, I pray that in all respects you may prosper and be in good health, just as your soul prospers” (3 John 2).
This is for you, friend: This verse is a greeting and general prayer for well-being for Gaius, not unlike what we would write in a letter today (if we really meant it), not evidence that all Christians should be wealthy.
“For they went out for the sake of the Name, accepting nothing from the Gentiles. Therefore we ought to support such men, so that we may be fellow workers with the truth” (3 John 7-8)
God, I want to be a fellow worker with the truth. That’s why I want to join in Your work in the Maldives somehow. (And this is a good, healthier replacement for great, self-sacrificial interpretation of Matthew 24:14 that the church obliterated for me last week.)
To put it roughly, church today obliterated the misapplication of Matthew 24:14, so continually argued by John Piper, the Perspectives course I took at the Teen Mania Honor Academy, and really, every missiologist I’ve ever encountered, that we all must be involved in world evangelization in some way or else we are less-than Christians. That if the idea that if Matthew 24:14 doesn’t move me to proactively involved myself missions, then I don’t actually love Jesus’ coming or love God with all my heart, mind, soul & strength.
The removal of this thorn in my devotional side is a big deal: As Matt and I discussed during our walk on Friday, neither of us has ever been able to completely shake the idea that we are falling short because we haven’t yet made an extraordinary, life-altering, self-sacrificial decision for the sake of others’ God-borne happiness. I think I have finally shrugged if off.
In its place, the idea is that I can be the “sort of people [I] ought…to be in holy conduct and godliness, looking for and hastening the coming of the day of God” (2 Peter 3:11) at all times, doing it-doesn’t-matter-what so long as it can be done in love (1 Corinthians 16:14). And I take face-value definitions for “holy” and “godly”: setting side one’s life for God and being very God-minded.
Now, despite my new sense of liberty in Christ, I will nevertheless remain wary of my good fortune. As it occurred to me at Your table today:
Yes, Lord, I will enjoy these riches,
But of them be very suspicious.
May we never be deceived by wealth, entangled by the concerns of the world, or lured by desires for other things. May we always stand ready for the call to “go forth from [our] country, and from [our] relatives, and from [our] father’s house, to the land which [You] will show [us]” (Genesis 12:1).
Why are you in despair, O my soul?
And why have you become disturbed within me?
Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him
For the help of His presence (Psalm 42:5).
Watch over your heart with all diligence,
For from it flow the springs of life (Proverbs 4:23).
The hearts of the sons of men are full of evil and insanity is in their hearts throughout their lives (Ecclesiastes 9:3).
Rejoice, young man, during your childhood, and let your heart be pleasant during the days of young manhood. And follow the impulses of your heart and the desires of your eyes. Yet know that God will bring you to judgment for all these things (Ecclesiastes 11:9).
The heart is more deceitful than all else
And is desperately sick (Jeremiah 17:9).
You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind (Matthew 22:37).
For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed the evil thoughts, fornications, thefts, murders, adulteries… (Mark 7:21).
Do not let your heart be troubled… (John 14:1).
From these Scriptures and more, I refine my understanding of the human (i.e., my) heart: It’s like a little kid. Irrational. Impressionable. Often rash. Full of vim and desire, you give it what it wants because your vitality and happiness depend on it. But you don’t give it what it wants when what it wants dishonors God, hurts other people, or lends itself to longer-term unhappiness. And you do what you can to shape its desires to conform to your own values, having patience but firmness about good priorities.
“Jesus, knowing that the Father had given all things into His hands, and that He had come forth from God and was going back to God, got up from supper, and laid aside His garments; and taking a towel, He girded Himself. Then He poured water into the basin, and began to wash the disciples’ feet and to wipe them with the towel with which He was girded” (John 13:3-5).
Since we know that You have given us all things into our hands via Jesus, and that we have come forth from You and are going back to you, may we get up from our suppers, lay aside our garments, and start washing feet.
