— Éa, at the end of a bedtime conversation that started, “When you die, do you stop moving?” and included “I don’t want to die,” brief tears, and a “Don’t worry, Darling. We all die, but Jesus will bring us back to life again.” Carla pointed out that Éa will probably take that to mean that we “bounce back” to life immediately after dying. This was a terrifying conversation to have, because I don’t want to glib, but I don’t want to talk over her head, but I don’t want to mince the truth. God, You gave this girl to us. Help!
In other news, Carla won a seat on College Township Council today.
Carla suggested it would be a good idea to write down the reasoning behind my decision to about-face and work for DiamondBack full-time forever.
In brief: Working for West Arête a little bit enabled me to see that I’ve been the victim of a bad case of grass-is-greener syndrome for years. I’ve decided to go back to working full-time for DiamondBack, with no plans to seek alternative employment in the foreseeable future.
Less brief: God, You helped me dispel the myth of the golden-haired woman in my own life sometime in between when I broke things off with Val and when I started dating Carla. But we never applied the same metaphor to my career: I’ve been believing the myth of the golden-haired job probably since my time at Teen Mania. (What Color Is Your Parachute? probably didn’t help.)
“Everything about working for DiamondBack is great, except for the fact that it’s truck bed covers.” I’ve been saying that for two years now. I ignored the first clause, however, and concentrated entirely on the second. Why? Because I believed that there was such a thing as the perfect, soul-satisfying job right out of the box somewhere. If I picked a job that employed the transferable skills I most enjoyed in a field that excited me, I’d be set. I would have made a perfect choice. I’d be right and happy.
I was convinced that working for DiamondBack would predetermine that I suffer a bad midlife crisis in twenty years, so in typical overcommunicative fashion I overplayed the value of several positives of working for West Arête:
Doing more web development
Learning new skills
Working downtown (i.e., access to cultural events, connections to new people, feeling cool)
Riding my bike to work
Working with local people for local people
No vacation days but unlimited freedom to take off as needed
Better health coverage
Cultural fit (i.e., environmentalism, priority on work-life balance, bicycles, local business)
And I underplayed many of the positives of working for DiamondBack:
Presenting the right balance of mastery and challenge
Working from home:
enjoyment of kids,
enjoyment of Carla,
leisurely pace,
no clothes overhead,
autonomy,
freedom to break for prayer or whatever
Plenty of allotted vacation days
Working for Ethan & Brandon
Working with people I’ve grown to love
Cultural fit (i.e., Christianity, priority on work-life balance)
Much higher salary
Freedom to move to Quebec
Being a known quantity I’ve already taken fully into account in shaping my life and therefore not having to think about it at all
Looking at the lists above and now having a lucid idea of who I am, it’s obvious which job is the better fit.
The crucial missing ingredient in my career at DiamondBack wasn’t money, local connections, or even the opportunity to do web development. It was commitment. Had I been devoted to my job at DiamondBack, I would’ve said to Brandon last spring, “No, I’m sorry, I can’t accept you taking development completely out of my hands. But I love DiamondBack. So can we please find a way to make this work?”
“I love watching your heart and your head duke it out,” said Barb at church on Sunday when I brought this up, sometimes in tears. Deciding to return to DiamondBack feels different from deciding to depart for West Arête. I sure hope I can discern the difference between my heart and my head next time anything like this comes up again.
New habit to form: Any time I’m tempted to think or express a grumble, I will deny the thought but use it as a prompt to thank God or people for something.
I’m afraid that I’ll go from avoider to pleaser if I reopen myself up to feelings. It’s difficult for me to act in love from a place of strength and confidence if feelings are involved. I find I’m worried about whether folks approve of me. Lord, help.
“Who among you is wise and understanding? Let him show by his good behavior his deeds in the gentleness of wisdom. […T]he wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, reasonable, full of mercy and good fruits, unwavering, without hypocrisy. And the seed whose fruit is righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace.”
My decisions on what (single) project to undertake next should always come down to where my proclivities, desires, joys, happiness, what enjoy doing and can get happily lost in doing meets up with the supreme joy of others and the pleasure of God.
Give to those who ask of you doesn’t apply merely to money. It also applies to time, and it’s a fine guiding principle to those who ask to hang out with me.
Give to those who ask of you doesn’t apply merely to money. It also applies to time, and it’s a fine guiding principle to those who ask to hang out with me.
That’s the first time I’ve gone without a meal in years. First of all, thank you, God, for Your plentiful provision. Second, whew, I’m a little light-headed.
That’s the first time I’ve gone without a meal in years. First of all, thank you, God, for Your plentiful provision. Second, whew, I’m a little light-headed.
How do you decide between living an ordinary life extraordinarily (i.e., what I’m attempting with my status quo) and making extraordinary choices that lead to living in extraordinary circumstances (e.g., moving to Fishtown). The latter calls, but very indistinctly.
[while listening to“Three Little Birds” by Bob Marley] Sullivan: What are “every little things”? Carla: Just everything. Everything’s gonna be alright. Sullivan: God. ‘Cos he makes badness into…into…love-ness. He’s a nice guy.