Carla: It’s 7:57.
Scott: What!? Already?
Carla: I know. Like, what the fUuuuuuUuuck? [moment of silence] Sometimes I say that just to assert my adulthood.
Daddy, no you don’t go to work! Éa and I go to work! [pause] Oh. Well, I guess if Éa and I were the one who went to work, we’d be poor.
— Sullivan, in a gradually self-aware attempt to keep Scott from going to work that day
The front cover of a birthday card Sullivan drew for Cassie’s birthday. Featuring a black-capped chickadee drawn from a photo.
Yeah, but I got two in a row.
— Sullivan, after losing at tic-tac-toe to Grandpa
Carla: Wow, it looks like it was cold last night.
Sullivan: Well, I was as warm as a bear slumbering in the basement.
If I were married to myself, I’d be divorced.
— Carla
Carla: I’ve gotta get in shape for the wedding.
Scott: Whoa. Weird. Normal woman-talk just came out of my wife’s mouth.
I’m afraid that I’ll go from avoider to pleaser if I reopen myself up to feelings. It’s difficult for me to act in love from a place of strength and confidence if feelings are involved. I find I’m worried about whether folks approve of me. Lord, help.
Be it so resolved that I will not attempt to listen to music while at work except if I am doing very rote tasks.
“Who among you is wise and understanding? Let him show by his good behavior his deeds in the gentleness of wisdom. […T]he wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, reasonable, full of mercy and good fruits, unwavering, without hypocrisy. And the seed whose fruit is righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace.”
— James 3:13,17–18
I’m going to need to re-read Romans. It’s just so darn thick.
It’s true: I had shut down my emotions and desires in a bid for self-mastery. I have been grossly unemotional. Unhealthily unemotional.
Why? In summary, it goes like this: As I enter high school, my slight streak of irresponsibility and forgetfulness with my homework becomes intolerable to me. At the same time, middle- and high-school romantic relationships lead to heartbreak after heartbreak.
In that environment begins my yen for absolute self-mastery. I’m tired of the disappointment I feel coming from teachers about how sharp I am, if only I could remember my homework. I’m tired of having my heart broken and (later) kissing and breaking hearts because I can’t control myself. So, what do I want more than anything? Self-control.
Emotions and desires were making me flaky, irresponsible, and ashamed. So I shut them down.
(There may be earlier environmental elements related to the way Mom and Dad parented me that set me up for this. I’m not sure they matter at this time.)
The action...
// read full article →“I was a lover before this war.”
— TV on the Radio, in a lyric that at the moment reminds me of my comment to Carla last night, “Who needs emotions? They’re so unreliable.”
Carla and I had our first Friday Night Music Night with Kid A in the bedroom this evening. She has these fascinating and often poignant movies that play in her head as she listens, as if each track were meant to be a soundtrack. It’s amazing, and it makes me want to practice the same as a way to increase my creativity.
For her, of course, it comes naturally. For me, methinks it will take self-discipline.
New guidelines for goal-choosing:
- Choose just one unquantized goal to be active at a time.
- Alternate between creative goals and receptive goals.
Having just finished my presentation to College Township about backyard hens, I now move on to reading How We Love.
It occurs to me for perhaps the first time ever that going for emotional connection is a worthy goal in life. Like, that should be the primary thing I’m trying to do with the people closest to me.
It occurs to me for perhaps the first time ever that going for emotional connection is a worthy goal in life. Like, that should be the primary thing I’m trying to do with the people closest to me.
5th birthday verses
My son, youre five,
And I’m so glad youre alive.
It’s worth a lot of mirth,
The day you came to Earth.
So Mom baked a shark-tastic cake
And planned a party for your sake
With piñata, food and skating today
and friends who gather round to say:
We love you very much, my boy.
MAY ALL YOUR DAYS BE FULL OF JOY!
My son, you’re five, And I’m so glad you’re alive.
It’s worth a lot of mirth, The day you came to Earth.
So Mom baked a shark-tastic cake And planned a party for your sake With piñata, food and skating today and friends who gather round to say:
We love you very much, my boy. MAY ALL YOUR DAYS BE FULL OF JOY!
Having just listened to “Shepherd” by Anaïs Mitchell, I wonder: When did we come to the conclusion that sad endings are more artistic?
My decisions on what (single) project to undertake next should always come down to where my proclivities, desires, joys, happiness, what enjoy doing and can get happily lost in doing meets up with the supreme joy of others and the pleasure of God.
Resolved: One creative goal at a time. Current goal: Legalize backyard hens in College Township.
One thing bringing Moshulu into our family and shifting gears into backyard hens work have done is make me realize that I don’t respond favorably to change of my home life. Eventually, I can end up finding great value in those changes, but initially, my soul is usually against.
One thing bringing Moshulu (the cat) into our family and shifting gears into backyard hens work have done is make me realize that I don’t respond favorably to change of my home life. Eventually, I can end up finding great value in those changes, but initially, my soul is usually against.
I’m all done with having to ask the children to do something twice because they’re defiant or unresponsive.