It’s true: I had shut down my emotions and desires in a bid for self-mastery. I have been grossly unemotional. Unhealthily unemotional.
Why? In summary, it goes like this: As I enter high school, my slight streak of irresponsibility and forgetfulness with my homework becomes intolerable to me. At the same time, middle- and high-school romantic relationships lead to heartbreak after heartbreak.
In that environment begins my yen for absolute self-mastery. I’m tired of the disappointment I feel coming from teachers about how sharp I am, if only I could remember my homework. I’m tired of having my heart broken and (later) kissing and breaking hearts because I can’t control myself. So, what do I want more than anything? Self-control.
Emotions and desires were making me flaky, irresponsible, and ashamed. So I shut them down.
(There may be earlier environmental elements related to the way Mom and Dad parented me that set me up for this. I’m not sure they matter at this time.)
The action points become clear: Call out and act on my feelings. Fan the flames of desire. When I feel a desire for something emotional, I should indulge that desire rather than the “task before me.” Meeting my emotional needs and the emotional needs of others is almost always more important than any task I’ve put before me on Remember the Milk.
In other words, I need to get better at feeling. And then, as always, do what I want.
By the way, I am certainly an avoider in the Yerkovich scheme laid out in How We Love. Knowing as much should make the book much more useful, eh?