My aversion to academic writing under deadlines is what doomed any thought of me becoming an academic myself, but a love for academic reading could make this book the first in a long run tomes that pass through my house by way of my friends-of-Penn-State library card.

A few critical notes as I dive back in to Matthew McCormick’s book:

• Concision carries rhetorical power. And McCormick is concise.
• I agree that miracles don’t happen nearly as often as I wish they would or think they should. But that doesn’t mean they don’t happen. How do I account for some of the miracles my friend Marshall describes (i.e., the rain stopping, the word of knowledge for the divorcée, and the healed tumor)? How do I explain the healing ministry of Heidi Baker?

Wife and I share a concern that wherever this doubt and I end up, that I don’t end up lacking in the strength and security that I’ve given her and the kids with my faith in Jesus.

Is it not possible that the strength and security I’ve given comes not from being a conduit for Jesus but rather from my having certainty about my purpose and mission, a surety of a unifying guide, a lodestar principle? If I have a lodestar principle and mission I can settle on other than Jesus—what am I writing?!?—perhaps I can still lend strength to my family even if I end up a doubting Thomas.

friend:

I just wanted to let you know that my thoughts have been with you after hearing about your sleepless night. I think I understand the sort of turmoil you are in; I’ve been deep in it for a while!

I would be delighted to talk more…and/or to let ideas and feelings percolate as needed.

self:

Thank you for your sympathy. You and your husband are good people.

That it wasn’t until thirty-three years old for this devout Christian to experience his first pangs of doubt probably accounts for why it was so intense. It was a doubly novel experience for me: my first doubts and my first involuntarily sleepless night. A doozy I don’t hope to relive.

But now that I’ve slept some and my thoughts have settled, one could say in summary that not much has changed: I am simply less sure of all my Christian beliefs. Still, it’s strange to pray to a god you’re less sure exists. His hiddenness used to be a source of knowing laughter in prayer. Now it’s a bit more serious than that.

Anyway, I...

When I restart my reading of Atheism and the Case Against Christ, I plan to actively take critical notes along the way. To fight back, as it were.

Scott: What would life be like without screens?
Carla: Buggy.
[pause]
Scott [slightly annoyed]: Could you just answer the question, please?
[pause]
Carla [gathering what he meant]: Well, we know what life would be like without screens. We didn’t have screens the first year of our marriage.
Scott: What did we DO?
Carla: We fought.

Carla: Are you ready for your [chickens] meeting tonight?
Scott: Yeah, it’s just a brainstorm and catch-up meeting.
Sullivan: Ketchup? Ketchup is for eggs. Ketchup? Ketchup is for eggs.

Scott [discussing trends in interior design] : Our culture…we highly prize…clean.
Carla: Yeah…it’s disgusting.

I want to get off the goal-oriented train. I’m tired. After this choral society website and learning this Bach repertoire, I need to pause and reevaluate. Actually, maybe even not that right away. Maybe just being.

I should either discontinue fasting on days when I have choral society rehearsal or eat a light dinner despite my hunger. I arrive at rehearsal ready to sing and then peter out after twenty minutes.

Pursue peace with all men, and the sanctification without which no one will see the Lord (Hebrews 12:14).

The exclusivist in me says that sanctification isn’t possible without an specific faith in Jesus. The inclusivist disagrees. Neither views this verse as particularly informative to his case, in part because it would have to be conclusively argued that “seeing the Lord” is coterminous with having eternal life. Nevertheless, I insist we list all these Scriptures because they have potential to inform or nuance the conclusion.

But we are not of those who shrink back to destruction, but of those who have faith to the preserving of the soul (Hebrews 10:39).

Again, we’re not talking about whether eternal life is possible for someone who can’t for some reason put their faith explicitly in the real Jesus. It has to do with backsliding. Backsliders (“those who shrink back”) backslide to destruction. For some reason the author of Hebrews mentions it a lot.

The wind and snow were whipping around my house like a SNOW-NADO!

— Sullivan in his weather journal for school

It bothers me that I’m more disciplined about journaling than I am about relating to Carla. I have allocated an hour and ten minutes toward my bedtime routine. Granted, twenty minutes of that are supposed to be for relating to Carla. But still, doesn’t that seem excessive?

Carla snapped this photo of some of the progress on our windows and doors replacement project.

With Ethan, Brandon & Jordan working The Great American Outdoor Show and Mike marooned at home and thus out of the phone queue, and the window replacement work starting, I have never ended a work day so far behind in my day-to-day workload. And boy, did it cause stress. It didn’t help that Carla discovered that we’re getting less opening in these new windows than we have in our current ones.

What I must remember it’s that it’s during these times that breaks for momentary rest become very important. When work is less demanding, that’s when breaks can be full of relationships and mini-tasks. When it’s hard to keep up, that’s when my breaks need to be moments of nothingness.

I’m getting tired of my system, especially the bedtime routine.

Mommy, I love music more than chocolate chips, more than cookies, and more than princesses and beautiful ponies.

— Éa on hearing Vanhal’s Double Bass Concerto in E flat major on WPSU in the car with Carla

I enjoyed getting to know Daniel on our ride to GAOS and dinner at Passage to India. He affirmed my position in life, that is, being uncomfortably comfortable in my suburban life and waiting for a specific call from God to go and do something specific. But he also spurred me to lead with the Gospel. Don’t try to do good things in hopes they bring you an audience for the Gospel. Bring the Gospel and do good things. At the same time.

“Did it!” says Carla in a text to me from home while I’m working the Great American Outdoor Show for DiamondBack.

After grilled cheese dinner at Potters' house, Carla and I did a half-an-hour of P90X yoga and then reflected together in the living room on maturity in young people, how the kids are growing, Sullivan especially in gratitude, and how remarkable it is for us to be raising children with whom we are well- and happily connected.

Song of the day: “Fire of Time” by David Ramirez, aka the Ethan is Back song, recommended to me by him and I can hear why

We grow more and more into our place. Carla has more and more connections, and is deepening many of her local relationships, especially with our neighbor “two doors down” Kristen, although Carla sorely misses Sarah all those long eight driving miles away. Carla even connected with Mary at the township building today over the Oxford comma while proofreading some ordinance change text. We had our fifth Houserville Social Club gathering at our house with the Harts and the Sauders (who are pregnant). And it was easy, even with the Harts who we haven’t seen in months. After all that talk about a destination party, we just booked five rustic cabins at Black Moshannon State Park to celebrate our anniversary with friends in August.

It feels very good to notice more depth of here-ness, presence in our little town.

Song of the day: “Feeling Good” by Nina Simone

The most significant thing to occur in my life today besides continued (2 in a row!) lack of meltdown at singing lessons with Norman Spivey is the very pleasant date time I spent with Éa. All we did was sign her up for gymnastics classes on my computer and then dance and rock on the rocking chair together, mostly to Elvis’ debut album (because she learned yesterday to do the lip curl thing). But that’s all we needed to do. We genuinely enjoy one another.

Song of the day: “Blue Moon“ by Elvis Presley

What does Mark 4:24-25 mean?

Working at DiamondBack since the migration of our CRM and order entry to Salesforce has felt unfriendlier and lonelier. And you know what? I think it has everything to do with abandoning our old friend, the Intranet.

And it really is like leaving an old friend. Gone is our distressed concrete background. We’re disoriented, and as for me, grumpy about it. The primary, interface for livelihood since the birth of the company has just changed to something that doesn’t even have a name, something broader, plainer, and frankly, daunting.

We’ll learn and customize Salesforce. But it’s natural to be grumpy about a change like this and nostalgic about what we had. (About software?)

Song of the day: “Walking Lightly” by Junip