Father, if my friends are keepers of their word, then Matt, Dan, Kris, Marshall, Bruce, Sam, Scorz, Josh, Ethan, and Krista, and my mom are all praying for me, most of them for me to experience some kind an undeniable, metaphysical encounter with You.

If You refuse their requests, I shall throw my hands up in the air and that I will never understand You. I will also likely always have a skeptic monkey swinging through the trees in the back of my mind.

That’s not to say I wouldn’t continue to follow You and give credence to the claims that You are, that Jesus is Your son, that You are love, et cetera. Just that I have little idea why You wouldn’t answer a request like that.

Of course, remembering the examples of both Ethan and Kristen requires that I be patient.

This McHargue correspondence strengthens my hope that this wound of doubt I suffered last month is not for nothing. I’ve already written that you could summarize the intellectual effect of the doubt in one sentence, “I could be wrong.” And I feel peace and resolution when I say that. And perhaps that will open me up in all sorts of good, godly ways that I can’t anticipate.

mom:

Hope you made it home safely?!

It was great to be able to chat with you for so long, in spite of the disturbing circumstances. However, God is faithful and I know His truth will prevail.

Alana and I were working on a card project for church which had us in the scriptures. During the course of that time, I came across a few scriptures that I thought you would appreciate. Psalm 77:1-14 seemed to capture some of your thoughts you expressed last night:

I cried out to God for help; I cried out to God to hear me.
When I was in distress, I sought the Lord; at night I stretched out untiring hands, and I would not be comforted.
I remembered you, God, and I groaned; I meditated, and my spirit grew faint. You kept my eyes from closing; I was too troubled to speak.
I thought about the former days, the years of long ago; I remembered my songs in the night.
My heart meditated and my spirit asked: “Will the Lord reject forever? Will he never show his favor again? Has his unfailing love...

Norman is going to try to schedule my private audition with Rich Biever for the part of Valjean for two weeks from today.

If this goes well—and really, for the quality of the audition itself—may I remember my words from a year ago:

It’s good to sing for my own enjoyment (or Yours, God), and it’s good to sing to delight someone else. But it’s unhealthy to sing to elicit praise.

Father, as I get deeper into singing performance in State College, please protect me from the intoxicating effects of people’s praise.

“The Lord also will be a stronghold for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble.”

— David, Psalm 9:9. A motto for foster care.

“The Lord has made Himself known.”

— David, Psalm 9:16. Would that it were that simple. But perhaps it is.

Five resolutions

I am going to:

1. stop trying to queue up the next day’s tasks to fit into the time available to me and instead just keep a running list, believing that this will make it less likely that I obsess over my task list,
2. proceed through my task list in the order I present it to my self, which will often mean that praying is the first thing I do,
3. eat less and mostly greens for lunch,
4. renew my commitment to eating no more than one helping at dinner, and
5. stop fasting on Mondays and instead skip breakfast on Sundays.

“I am going to judge my circumstances by Jesus’ love, not Jesus’ love by my circumstances.”

— Timothy Keller

Carla told me today that Sarah says that I ought to volunteer to be in someone’s life who needs help. It’ll be there that I see God.

And I agree. That’s one reason why I’m pursuing foster care. But should I be doing something else in the meantime?

It was a delight yesterday to hear with the kids the Penn State senior flute quartet play with this piece, which had a lick I think they borrowed from Debussy. They did just that: play, passing the fetching melody back and forth, making for an exquisitely planned but apparently ludic soundscape. It made me think of God.

Here is a list of Psalms that are useful when you are in doubt or distress:

• Psalm 6: “Return, O Lord, rescue my soul…”
• Psalm 10: “Why do you stand afar off, O Lord?”
• Psalm 13: “How long, O Lord? Will You forget me forever?…”
• Psalm 17: “Hear a just cause, O Lord, give heed to my cry…”
• Psalm 20: “May the Lord answer you in the day of trouble!…”
• Psalm 22: “My God, my God, why have You forsaken me?”
• Psalm 27: “The Lord is my light and my salvation…”
• Psalm 28: “To You, O Lord, I call…”
• Psalm 30: “I will extol You, O Lord, for You have lifted me up…”
• Psalm 31: “In You, O Lord, I have taken refuge…”
• Psalm 35: “Contend, O Lord, with those who contend with me…”
• Psalm 77: “My voice rises to God, and I will cry aloud…”

Listen. Act. Share.

In light of the bean burning incident, action! In light of last month’s crippling doubt, action! Let my love for Carla no longer comprise talking; let it rather comprise doing. Let my Christian faith no longer comprise reading, thinking, and praying; let it rather be listening, acting, and sharing! But especially acting.

1. In May, I began a formal evangelistic effort toward some formerly Christian friends. It comprised reading with them The Case for Christ, Atheism & the Case Against Christ, and The Resurrection of Jesus: A New Historiographical Approach. (They have not read the latter.)
2. Serious consideration of the thoughts in the Atheism volume led to further reading on the Internet, which gave room for three theological “why?" questions to burrow into my soul:
   1. Why, if God is all-good and all-powerful, does the world contain apparently meaningless suffering and evil?
   2. Why, if God wants a relationship with His creatures, doesn’t He make Himself more obvious?
   3. Why, if prayer is supposed to work the way I understand the Bible to describe it working, doesn’t it work more often?
3. These questions led to serious religious doubt back in May, which led to anxiety, which led to a sleepless night, despite my anguished cries for rest.
4. Since then, I had mostly been able keep conscious doubt at bay. The...

If you’re not careful, you’ll cut yourself on Occam’s razor. (I’m definitely not the first person to make that joke.)

I value browsing Twitter, but doing it during usual bathroom time first thing in the morning prevents me from getting outside and taking a walk with You, God. So I will save it for a break from my DiamondBack work instead.

I re-read an email from my mom today, and line therein precipitated some religious anxiety in me:

However, God is faithful and I know His truth will prevail.

I wondered rhetorically to her: How do you know that His truth will prevail in my life? Has it prevailed in Jami’s life? Jessica’s? Every believer you know? For that matter, how do I know to what extent God was directly involved in my own recent salvation from the cliffs of doubt? Did He actually do anything? I certainly can’t think of anything obviously supernatural that happened to help bring me back. Was it all just my own? Sure, I am rich in friends, some of whom have miracle accounts, and Carla’s support and uptick in libido sure helped. But how do I thank Him for a role I’m not sure He played? And if He didn’t play that role, what does that mean about Him and His will for our lives? Does He even exist? Wouldn’t be easier to explain the lack of miraculous intervention to save me from doubt by saying He simply doesn’t?

For our date tonight, Sullivan and I purchased the Estes’ Shuttle Express model rocket kit today from HobbyTown USA over in the Benner Pike Shops. He was delighted, and when we returned home, we got started right away. It was gratifying to contribute toward something about which he is avid.

Plus, we found out that there is a maker space in State College now that has open houses every Wednesday evening. Sullivan and I could finally have a medium between us that will help us connect.

“For You are not a God who takes pleasure in wickedness; No evil dwells with You.”

— Psalm 5:4

I fail to comprehend how a theistic determinist, aka a Calvinist, can read this and say that God always predestines wicked behavior.

I just told Carla: “I evaluate what you’re thinking too quickly. I’m sorry.” She admitted doing the same to me. O Lord, that we be quick to listen and slow to speak.

I like the idea of viewing the whole of life as a gift for which I can be grateful. The problem I see with it is that it’s hard to see it that way without tripping into thinking that You have provided it specifically to me, as if You were specifically more providential in my life than, say, in the life of an impoverished, persecuted Christian in India.

God, if the translators are right, I’m not sure You could have chosen a more potent name in the face of skeptics: I AM is about as pithy and defiant as a name could be.

Lord, help me find a way back to gratitude to You. If you are as distant as I might decide to think You mostly are, I’m not sure on what grounds I thank You for, say, the food before me at dinner.

Finally, a pragmatic take on space exploration: We need to find a new home for when we ruin this one.

“I lay down and slept; I wakened again, for the Lord sustains me. I will not be afraid of ten thousands of people Who have set themselves against me round about.”

— Psalm 3:5-6

Reading through the Psalms is going to provide ample fodder for prayer—and encouragement and peace, I think, especially as I construe all the enemies involved as demons or anxieties or skeptics. Not that I will wish harm upon the skeptics as the psalmists wish about their enemies; but I will, as indicated in the above quotation, not be afraid of them.

“There would be no cults without the use of out-of-context proof-texts.”

—Stephen Crosby