“Suffering is the stripping of our hope in finite things, therefore we do not put our ultimate hope in anything finite.”

— Tim Keller

Faith is trust manifested in action.

“Rest is an act of defiance.”

— Walter Brueggemann

I will dedicate more temporal resources toward getting Nextdoor off the ground. It is being well-received so far, although no one has really used it.

[Psalm 16](Psalm 16) stands as a gleaming promise. And it has this line: “I said to the Lord, ‘You are my Lord; I have no good besides You.’” That’s the attitude I want to have.

In the middle of a game of toss during our after-church socializing today in the sunroom, Sullivan sent a Nerf football upon onto the valance, knocking the 3.2-lb. porthole Carla got from her dad down and onto my head, edge first. It opened a quarter-inch-wide gash in the crown of my head. It hurt like you’d expect such a wound to hurt, and I walked out of the room for some privacy, but Carla and the Rookes stopped me because I was bleeding profusely.

Long story short, Matt took me to the hospital and chatted happily with me while we waited for the parade of health professionals to come through my ER room. A medical student named Alex was the one to put the six staples in. He put in at least one too many because of what he claimed was some inaccuracy in the stapler.

It felt good to be the center of attention. But more precisely, it felt good to be personally helped in a time of need. Over the course of the episode, Carla put my socks on and cleaned my bloody head in the shower after I...

Then Jesus said to His disciples, “If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it. For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul? For the Son of Man is going to come in the glory of His Father with His angels, and will then repay every man according to his deeds” (Matthew 16:24-27).

I am challenged by these words of Jesus this morning. In what ways am I trying to save my life? In what ways am I losing it for Jesus’ sake?

“The world is passing away along with its desires, but whoever does the will of God abides forever” (1 John 2:17).

I delight in assertions that eternal life is a real thing.

I’ll note three things today:

1. Carla got a conclusive answer about her allergies today from the allergist: She is allergic to dust mites. Hearing this relieved and excited me, because we finally now have a definite problem with definite solutions. I am eager to help her feel better.
2. Carla reminded me this evening that I can set boundaries and say no to the kids. I was expressing consternation that it was so difficult to concentrate on something I wanted to accomplish, like (this evening) finding a way to sing those B♭s in “Valjean’s Soliloquy,” while in the presence of the kids because they—especially Sullivan—would interrupt with chatter or questions or requests. She made it very simple and was in fact surprised that I was not setting boundaries. Thanks, Carla.
3. Reading about Jairus’ daughter this evening in The Jesus Storybook Bible found me asking inwardly, “Is this stuff going to hold up for her against 21st-century naturalistic bias? It seems like it’s ripe for scoffing and skepticism. Actually, I almost feel silly believing that this stuff actually happened. Is Jesus necessary?” Father, may it hold.

“You want it all, but you can’t have it.”

— Plato, as tweeted by Mike McHargue. Methinks it apocryphal and more likely a pop lyric. Nevertheless, I like it. Maybe he is summarizing Plato with a lyric.

“Because of the devastation of the afflicted, because of the groaning of the needy, now I will arise,” says the Lord; “I will set him in the safety for which he longs” (Psalm 12.5). Father, this is my prayer of You in my life and for the world.

Today I think I finally embraced the idea that Carla should go to as many Council-related meetings as she wishes.

Father, if my friends are keepers of their word, then Matt, Dan, Kris, Marshall, Bruce, Sam, Scorz, Josh, Ethan, and Krista, and my mom are all praying for me, most of them for me to experience some kind an undeniable, metaphysical encounter with You.

If You refuse their requests, I shall throw my hands up in the air and that I will never understand You. I will also likely always have a skeptic monkey swinging through the trees in the back of my mind.

That’s not to say I wouldn’t continue to follow You and give credence to the claims that You are, that Jesus is Your son, that You are love, et cetera. Just that I have little idea why You wouldn’t answer a request like that.

Of course, remembering the examples of both Ethan and Kristen requires that I be patient.

This McHargue correspondence strengthens my hope that this wound of doubt I suffered last month is not for nothing. I’ve already written that you could summarize the intellectual effect of the doubt in one sentence, “I could be wrong.” And I feel peace and resolution when I say that. And perhaps that will open me up in all sorts of good, godly ways that I can’t anticipate.

mom:

Hope you made it home safely?!

It was great to be able to chat with you for so long, in spite of the disturbing circumstances. However, God is faithful and I know His truth will prevail.

Alana and I were working on a card project for church which had us in the scriptures. During the course of that time, I came across a few scriptures that I thought you would appreciate. Psalm 77:1-14 seemed to capture some of your thoughts you expressed last night:

I cried out to God for help; I cried out to God to hear me.
When I was in distress, I sought the Lord; at night I stretched out untiring hands, and I would not be comforted.
I remembered you, God, and I groaned; I meditated, and my spirit grew faint. You kept my eyes from closing; I was too troubled to speak.
I thought about the former days, the years of long ago; I remembered my songs in the night.
My heart meditated and my spirit asked: “Will the Lord reject forever? Will he never show his favor again? Has his unfailing love...

Norman is going to try to schedule my private audition with Rich Biever for the part of Valjean for two weeks from today.

If this goes well—and really, for the quality of the audition itself—may I remember my words from a year ago:

It’s good to sing for my own enjoyment (or Yours, God), and it’s good to sing to delight someone else. But it’s unhealthy to sing to elicit praise.

Father, as I get deeper into singing performance in State College, please protect me from the intoxicating effects of people’s praise.

“The Lord also will be a stronghold for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble.”

— David, Psalm 9:9. A motto for foster care.

“The Lord has made Himself known.”

— David, Psalm 9:16. Would that it were that simple. But perhaps it is.

Five resolutions

I am going to:

1. stop trying to queue up the next day’s tasks to fit into the time available to me and instead just keep a running list, believing that this will make it less likely that I obsess over my task list,
2. proceed through my task list in the order I present it to my self, which will often mean that praying is the first thing I do,
3. eat less and mostly greens for lunch,
4. renew my commitment to eating no more than one helping at dinner, and
5. stop fasting on Mondays and instead skip breakfast on Sundays.

“I am going to judge my circumstances by Jesus’ love, not Jesus’ love by my circumstances.”

— Timothy Keller

Carla told me today that Sarah says that I ought to volunteer to be in someone’s life who needs help. It’ll be there that I see God.

And I agree. That’s one reason why I’m pursuing foster care. But should I be doing something else in the meantime?

It was a delight yesterday to hear with the kids the Penn State senior flute quartet play with this piece, which had a lick I think they borrowed from Debussy. They did just that: play, passing the fetching melody back and forth, making for an exquisitely planned but apparently ludic soundscape. It made me think of God.

Here is a list of Psalms that are useful when you are in doubt or distress:

• Psalm 6: “Return, O Lord, rescue my soul…”
• Psalm 10: “Why do you stand afar off, O Lord?”
• Psalm 13: “How long, O Lord? Will You forget me forever?…”
• Psalm 17: “Hear a just cause, O Lord, give heed to my cry…”
• Psalm 20: “May the Lord answer you in the day of trouble!…”
• Psalm 22: “My God, my God, why have You forsaken me?”
• Psalm 27: “The Lord is my light and my salvation…”
• Psalm 28: “To You, O Lord, I call…”
• Psalm 30: “I will extol You, O Lord, for You have lifted me up…”
• Psalm 31: “In You, O Lord, I have taken refuge…”
• Psalm 35: “Contend, O Lord, with those who contend with me…”
• Psalm 77: “My voice rises to God, and I will cry aloud…”

Listen. Act. Share.

In light of the bean burning incident, action! In light of last month’s crippling doubt, action! Let my love for Carla no longer comprise talking; let it rather comprise doing. Let my Christian faith no longer comprise reading, thinking, and praying; let it rather be listening, acting, and sharing! But especially acting.

1. In May, I began a formal evangelistic effort toward some formerly Christian friends. It comprised reading with them The Case for Christ, Atheism & the Case Against Christ, and The Resurrection of Jesus: A New Historiographical Approach. (They have not read the latter.)
2. Serious consideration of the thoughts in the Atheism volume led to further reading on the Internet, which gave room for three theological “why?" questions to burrow into my soul:
   1. Why, if God is all-good and all-powerful, does the world contain apparently meaningless suffering and evil?
   2. Why, if God wants a relationship with His creatures, doesn’t He make Himself more obvious?
   3. Why, if prayer is supposed to work the way I understand the Bible to describe it working, doesn’t it work more often?
3. These questions led to serious religious doubt back in May, which led to anxiety, which led to a sleepless night, despite my anguished cries for rest.
4. Since then, I had mostly been able keep conscious doubt at bay. The...