Carla and I parted ways for the evening after a noisy, meh-but-enjoyable “food fair” (glorified, overpriced kosher hot dog party) at Congregation Brit Shalom: She to a council meeting, the kids and I downtown for the tree lighting ceremony. We missed the actual lighting by literally three seconds but enjoyed the tree anyway, along with hot chocolate, popcorn, secular Christmas tunes, Animal Kingdom, the bathroom at Irving’s with Éa while Sullivan waiting in line with Lucy S-M & her mom, dancing on my shoulders, and Sullivan on Santa’s lap asking for mittens and a whole dinosaur skeleton for Christmas.
But the real pick of the day today is how much time I spent crafting simple HTML email signatures at work. Was it a waste of time? My desires said no, but perhaps it wasn’t the highest priority. Why do I let myself get carried away with trifles?
“Beloved, I pray that in all respects you may prosper and be in good health, just as your soul prospers” (3 John 2).
This is for you, friend: This verse is a greeting and general prayer for well-being for Gaius, not unlike what we would write in a letter today (if we really meant it), not evidence that all Christians should be wealthy.
Don, a fellow tenor at the Choral Society, shared with me this evening that last week at his usual post-rehearsal social hour at Texas Roadhouse, Russ Shelley, the music director of the Choral Society, gushed momentarily about the beauty and power of my voice.
Obviously, that’s a heady sort of thing to hear. It inspires me to pursue more opportunities to share my voice. But at first, at least, this inspiration feels akin to the addictive high that I imagine you get from using recreational drugs. That’s dangerous.
It’s good to sing for my own enjoyment (or Yours, God), and it’s good to sing to delight someone else. But it’s unhealthy to sing to elicit praise.
Father, as I get deeper into singing performance in State College, please protect me from the intoxicating effects of people’s praise.
Why are you in despair, O my soul?
And why have you become disturbed within me?
Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him
For the help of His presence (Psalm 42:5).
Watch over your heart with all diligence,
For from it flow the springs of life (Proverbs 4:23).
The hearts of the sons of men are full of evil and insanity is in their hearts throughout their lives (Ecclesiastes 9:3).
Rejoice, young man, during your childhood, and let your heart be pleasant during the days of young manhood. And follow the impulses of your heart and the desires of your eyes. Yet know that God will bring you to judgment for all these things (Ecclesiastes 11:9).
The heart is more deceitful than all else
And is desperately sick (Jeremiah 17:9).
You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind (Matthew 22:37).
For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed the evil thoughts, fornications, thefts, murders, adulteries… (Mark 7:21).
Do not let your heart be troubled… (John 14:1).
From these Scriptures and more, I refine my understanding of the human (i.e., my) heart: It’s like a little kid. Irrational. Impressionable. Often rash. Full of vim and desire, you give it what it wants because your vitality and happiness depend on it. But you don’t give it what it wants when what it wants dishonors God, hurts other people, or lends itself to longer-term unhappiness. And you do what you can to shape its desires to conform to your own values, having patience but firmness about good priorities.
“Jesus, knowing that the Father had given all things into His hands, and that He had come forth from God and was going back to God, got up from supper, and laid aside His garments; and taking a towel, He girded Himself. Then He poured water into the basin, and began to wash the disciples’ feet and to wipe them with the towel with which He was girded” (John 13:3-5).
Since we know that You have given us all things into our hands via Jesus, and that we have come forth from You and are going back to you, may we get up from our suppers, lay aside our garments, and start washing feet.
New habit to form: Any time I’m tempted to think or express a grumble, I will deny the thought but use it as a prompt to thank God or people for something.
I’m afraid that I’ll go from avoider to pleaser if I reopen myself up to feelings. It’s difficult for me to act in love from a place of strength and confidence if feelings are involved. I find I’m worried about whether folks approve of me. Lord, help.
“Who among you is wise and understanding? Let him show by his good behavior his deeds in the gentleness of wisdom. […T]he wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, reasonable, full of mercy and good fruits, unwavering, without hypocrisy. And the seed whose fruit is righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace.”
It’s true: I had shut down my emotions and desires in a bid for self-mastery. I have been grossly unemotional. Unhealthily unemotional.
Why? In summary, it goes like this: As I enter high school, my slight streak of irresponsibility and forgetfulness with my homework becomes intolerable to me. At the same time, middle- and high-school romantic relationships lead to heartbreak after heartbreak.
In that environment begins my yen for absolute self-mastery. I’m tired of the disappointment I feel coming from teachers about how sharp I am, if only I could remember my homework. I’m tired of having my heart broken and (later) kissing and breaking hearts because I can’t control myself. So, what do I want more than anything? Self-control.
Emotions and desires were making me flaky, irresponsible, and ashamed. So I shut them down.
(There may be earlier environmental elements related to the way Mom and Dad parented me that set me up for this. I’m not sure they matter at this time.)
The action points become clear: Call out and act on my feelings. Fan the flames of desire. When I feel a desire for something emotional, I should indulge that desire rather than the “task before me.” Meeting my emotional needs and the emotional needs of others is almost always more important than any task I’ve put before me on Remember the Milk.
In other words, I need to get better at feeling. And then, as always, do what I want.
By the way, I am certainly an avoider in the Yerkovich scheme laid out in How We Love. Knowing as much should make the book much more useful, eh?
It occurs to me for perhaps the first time ever that going for emotional connection is a worthy goal in life. Like, that should be the primary thing I’m trying to do with the people closest to me.
It occurs to me for perhaps the first time ever that going for emotional connection is a worthy goal in life. Like, that should be the primary thing I’m trying to do with the people closest to me.
Give to those who ask of you doesn’t apply merely to money. It also applies to time, and it’s a fine guiding principle to those who ask to hang out with me.
Give to those who ask of you doesn’t apply merely to money. It also applies to time, and it’s a fine guiding principle to those who ask to hang out with me.
How do you decide between living an ordinary life extraordinarily (i.e., what I’m attempting with my status quo) and making extraordinary choices that lead to living in extraordinary circumstances (e.g., moving to Fishtown). The latter calls, but very indistinctly.
The only way to master something or become an expert in something is to practice and dig, dig, dig. The sooner I start doing this, the sooner I get happier about my skill set.