On my walk last night I tried to work out with God why I’ve been so unhappy this week. Toward the end of a mildly frustrating, brassy-heaven walk, I heard “Coffee!” At first, I thought this was referring to my actual intake of the decaf I recently secure via Jen Bean via Josh Potter from Standing Stone: Perhaps the intake of some other chemical from the coffee was depressing me. But after reentering the house, it occurred to me that wasn’t it at all. This decaf coffee was a great example of me treating something as a must-do that clearly is not. So here was the answer: I have been unhappy because I have been treating as musts things that are not.

On the subject of the solo satisfaction of biological and psychological drives (e.g., eating, masturbating, sightseeing): As long as they are not harmful and they are undertaken with thanksgiving, they are done in love, and are thus good.

I have decided to drop all items from my to-do list except those things which must be done.

In order for me to maximally productive at work, I have to be cutthroat with all non-work items. I have to forcefully box out distraction, daydreaming, and other (non-work) people and their agendas.

But that’s no way to live your home life!

Love in one’s home life means primarily the enjoyment of relationship with those around you and acting for others’ good by relating and enjoying and resting with them. Work is necessary in home life—and indeed, even for love’s sake it is necessary—but it isn’t primary. It serves the primary purpose of enjoyment. And besides, home life flows like water, it’s stochastic, it’s unpredictable, it’s got a bunch of other people and animals and neighbors and friends that can’t be controlled like one’s own attention can be controlled.

So I need to have two mindsets:

At home, I will not abandon my getting-things-done agendas, which are after all mostly built on love, but I will let the direct relational and enjoyment modes of love take precedence. I will go with the flow comprised of everybody else’s wishes and needs (and my own, for that matter—let’s not forget that rest and occasionally following one’s whim is important).

At work, since love in one’s job life is indeed primarily about productivity for the sake of the “family farm”—although not entirely (think of the joys of turning my attention 100% to others when they interrupt me!)—I will continue to hone that blade.

Telling someone they “have been” something is more empowering a way of truth-telling than telling them they “are” something. It leaves the future open for change.

My new motto is: “Live every day like it’s your last.” And no, that does not mean find a hospital, go there, find a room and lay down, eyes twitching…

— Sullivan

I must learn how to recognize when it is time to take a break. It is a combination of the demands of my soul and the demands of the world around me. At some crossover point the demands of my soul win.

I enjoyed today how although I was worried that I wasn’t going to be able to bring anything to church, at the last minute as we approached our taking of the wine and bread, I thought of “What A Friend I’ve Found” by Delirious?, which I had just run through with Carla, the Rookes, and Ben last weekend on a whim. I need to remember not to worry so much. Just follow my whim. Especially with music making. I ought not make music simply because I have a voice for it. I ought to make music when it is in the service of love only. Is love the post hoc pretext that covers a selfish ambition for praise or usefulness? Or is love the actual, prompting reason I’m doing the singing? Let it always be the latter.

Carla reports that last night, out of the blue before bed, Éa said, “I think that Daddy’s mune to stuff.”

“You think he’s immune? To what?” replied Carla.

“No, the opposite of that. Mune.”

“I don’t think that’s a word.”

“Really? Well then what’s the opposite of ‘immune’?”

“Susceptible.”

“What?! That sounds like some sort of a….PORT a potty! …like ‘appropriate receptacle’! (lots of laughter by both parties)”

“The dark paradox, then, is this: the more we seek to alleviate our loneliness through digital connectivity, the more lonely we will feel. Along the way, we will forsake solitude as a matter of course. Curiously, it may not even be loneliness as a desire for companionship that the design of social media fosters in us. Rather, it is a counterfeit longing that is generated: for stimulation rather than companionship. In the end, we will be left with the most profound loneliness: perpetually feeling a need for connection that we cannot satisfy and finding that we have not even our own company. To recap: no abiding sense of companionship, no solitude, no place for thought.”

— Michael Sacasas, “Solitude and Loneliness”

It’s the smartphone, damnit. That’s what bring early-morning anxiety: The fact that the first thing I touch in the morning.

OK, this is something like the fifth idea I have for why I feel a little anxiety in my thorax and abdomen when I wake up these days.

Is it possible that the anxiety that arises in me when I read the opinions of folks on the Internet about God arises because I overestimate other people’s reasonability?

Rules Governing Scheduling Engagements

In a given week, I will schedule:

• zero social appointments during a workday,
• no more than one pre-workday social appointment,
• minimal workday appointments for household business,
• no more than four midevening engagements, including no more than one that pulls me away from the children,
• no more than one late-evening appointment (e.g., movie night, phone conversation) if I have more than one project going, but up to three such appointments when I am keeping to my one-project-at-a-time limit,
• anything I care to Saturday & Sunday before dinner, and
• anything appealing that I care to schedule that presents itself same day.

In a given month, I will schedule no more than two travel weekends, whose evenings count toward the midevening engagement constraint.

Additionally, I will not forget the Sabbath.

Finally, to stick to all the above, I will become well-rehearsed in saying, “Let me get back to you.”

It’s time to build house, home, and family. It’s time to say no to other stuff. It’s time to bang out a deer or two, bang out a website for the Houserville Community Garden, then one for Mike, then one for church. It’s not time to travel. It’s not time to sing out. It’s time to prepare to be foster parents again.

I’d love to read during my half-hourly work breaks, but that defeats the purpose of the work breaks: To give my attentional resources time to recharge.

After an evening with Ben for the Roomful of Teeth concert at Schwab Auditorium, a lunchtime with Ernest yesterday, and a long campus walk with Mark last night, I reported to the Rookes that Carla says I abuse introverts. I hope it’s not true. Lord, may I be slow to speak.

Retiring for bed as soon as I could after the kids were in bed last night? The best decision I made all October (other than renting a bike in Seattle).

I must remember this every time I am tempted to press the 11 o’clock bedtime envelope.

Note to self: an increase in irrationality, peevishness, or moodiness that has no quickly identifiable cause is probably due to being some combination of undersexed and overtired. The end of Daylight Savings Time has wrecked me this week.

I am most comfortable in situations where I feel the superior. This is probably true of most people, but I noticed it this evening when my friend and his new squeeze came over with his sons at Sullivan’s request.

Would that I would take that comfort in my own skin with me in all social settings.

How shall I spend my spare attention these days, now that Noah and Dylan have gone home? On my family, I think.

I want include idle solitude in my life. I also want to read Richard Foster again.

I think it’ll just be simpler if I teetotal.

I set up my sit-stand desk this afternoon, courtesy of DiamondBack Truck Covers and Varidesk. Here’s to my long-term physical health. Now to get a standing mat.

Carla has been peevish recently. But so have I. It’s a cycle. I realized one way to break the cycle is to drop my expectation that anyone, including my wife and kids, act perfectly lovingly all the time. I don’t, so why should I expect them to?

I’ll go further: When a demand is made of me or a disagreement voiced, let my first instinct be to satisfy the demand or come to accord quickly and happily. Obviously, I won’t be a pushover, but I will be a volunteer, a happy second-miler.

Here’s an approachable, thorough article about easy measures you can take to extend the battery life of your iPhone between charges, courtesy of former Apple employee David Payette.