Just finished reading: A Failure of Nerve (1997) by Edwin Friedman, which Morgan recommended to me. It’s a partial application of Bowen family systems theory to family and institutional leadership. It was sometimes difficult to wrap my head around. But it seems like it might quietly change my life. I’m not going to summarize it, but I will jot down some of what I think I’m taking from it, the first chunk of which draws some connections with Martin Buber:
To get to I and Thou, you’ve first got to have an I. This is the “self-differentiation” Bowen and Friedman view as paramount. Otherwise, you’ll never get beyond I and It: using, pushing around, or simply passing by other people in your life.
One of the ways to do this, or perhaps better, one of the signs that you have done this, is that you manage your anxiety and reactivity by maintaining some emotional distance from your own thoughts and emotions and the thoughts and emotions of others. Not that you should be unsympathetic to yourself or others; on the contrary, it’s only in understanding your thoughts and emotions and those of others—or at least in acknowledging them, even if you don’t fully understand them—that you’ll be able to maintain the distance necessary to be an I and thus be capable of relating to others as sacred subjects themselves.
Be sympathetic, yet be your self, not merely an outworking of the internal, partner, familial, institutional, or society anxieties in which you live. Be in these systems without being of them—except insofar as those systems are love. Only then might you be able to inspire change. (Note that I write “inspire change” and not “change” because a key principle for managing your anxieties and reactivity is to embrace that you cannot change other people.)
All this without disconnecting from others.
Copying from Bob Thune, I’ll recap Friedman’s list that well-differentiated leaders:
- are a calm, steady presence, not reacting to other people’s reactions,
- have a strong sense of self and can effectively separate while remaining connected,
- take responsibility for themselves and inspire others to do the same,
- realize that good, long-term change requires discomfort, and
- take decisive stands at the risk of displeasing others.
There is a man from Klinger Heights
Who keeps the good of man in sight
Always wants to please the Lord
And as a result, is never bored
His birthday today, we won’t say which
«cough 46!» Oop! That was a glitch.
Note to self: If you accomplish anything non-DiamondBack in the evening of a DiamondBack workday, bravo to you.
“Do not strain to become rich; through your understanding, leave off” (Proverbs 23:4).
Things I learned yesterday:
- It is inadvisable to begin working out at 9 PM. Choose sleep over exercise every time.
- Graeme hates the Beatles.
- My “metanoiac” theory of the atonement, which I attempted to explain to Mark Troyer, has legs and probably ought to be written out.
- Wearing masks all day at work feels tiresome.
- The Christmas party at work has been canceled.
I am newly resolved: I will not work past 5 PM except to finish up for the day, discharge my daily email duties, and fulfill requests that are specifically to work after hours.
“Love God and do what you want.”
— Andrew Shearman, as reported by Ethan, with whom a visiting Jason and I sat with at Happy Valley Brewing and discussed many things, including, but this topic of how to govern and steer one’s life being the most salient and edifying. I rephrased Shearman’s idea in a way that was helpful to both my friends: “Unless you have a specific calling—which you’ll know when you feel it—whether you move to Cambodia to end sex slavery or stay here and love people well, you can’t go wrong as long as you love God.”
The Peters gave us a bound copy of Stories of the Supernatural today. And we chased Santa down on Hickory Drive, having come home too late from the Peters’ house to see him from our stoop. And we ate at Olive Garden. And I focused at work! And I (mostly) stayed God’s. And Sullivan got sad about Ponyboy and wanted to take better care of his next fish; he wants to breed gobies. And Éa was upset by Sullivan’s gift of a plastic bow and arrow to her.
I need to rest after work.
Without an interpreter, my workday with Alexander Amelchev and his family visiting would have been a drag. As it was, with our Svitlana Budzhak-Jones in tow, we had a great time touring the factory, eating lunch at Retro Eatery in Philipsburg, playing at Discovery Space, and eating again at Happy Valley Brewing.
