Just finished reading: A Failure of Nerve (1997) by Edwin Friedman, which Morgan recommended to me. It’s a partial application of Bowen family systems theory to family and institutional leadership. It was sometimes difficult to wrap my head around. But it seems like it might quietly change my life. I’m not going to summarize it, but I will jot down some of what I think I’m taking from it, the first chunk of which draws some connections with Martin Buber:
To get to I and Thou, you’ve first got to have an I. This is the “self-differentiation” Bowen and Friedman view as paramount. Otherwise, you’ll never get beyond I and It: using, pushing around, or simply passing by other people in your life. You must manage your anxiety and reactivity by maintaining some emotional distance from your own thoughts and emotions and the thoughts and emotions of others. Not that you should be unsympathetic to yourself or others; on the contrary, it’s only in understanding your thoughts and emotions and those of others—or at least in acknowledging them, even if you don’t fully understand them—that you’ll be able to maintain the distance necessary to be and I and thus capable of relating to others as sacred subjects themselves.
Be sympathetic, yet be your self, not merely an outworking of the internal, partner, familial, institutional, or society anxieties in which you live. Be in these systems without being of them—except insofar as those systems are love. Only then might you be able to inspire change. (Note that I write “inspire change” and not “change” because a key principle for managing your anxieties and reactivity is to embrace that you cannot change other people.)
All this without disconnecting from others.
Copying from Bob Thune, I’ll recap Friedman’s list that well-differentiated leaders: • are a calm, steady presence, not reacting to other people’s reactions, • have a strong sense of self and can effectively separate while remaining connected, • take responsibility for themselves and inspire others to do the same, • realize that good, long-term change requires discomfort, and • take decisive stands at the risk of displeasing others.