Carla got a conclusive answer about her allergies today from the allergist: She is allergic to dust mites. Hearing this relieved and excited me, because we finally now have a definite problem with definite solutions. I am eager to help her feel better.
Carla reminded me this evening that I can set boundaries and say no to the kids. I was expressing consternation that it was so difficult to concentrate on something I wanted to accomplish, like (this evening) finding a way to sing those B♭s in “Valjean’s Soliloquy,” while in the presence of the kids because they—especially Sullivan—would interrupt with chatter or questions or requests. She made it very simple and was in fact surprised that I was not setting boundaries. Thanks, Carla.
Reading about Jairus’ daughter this evening in The Jesus Storybook Bible found me asking inwardly, “Is this stuff going to hold up for her against 21st-century naturalistic bias? It seems like it’s ripe for scoffing and skepticism. Actually, I almost feel silly believing that this stuff actually happened. Is Jesus necessary?” Father, may it hold.
“Because of the devastation of the afflicted, because of the groaning of the needy, now I will arise,” says the Lord; “I will set him in the safety for which he longs” (Psalm 12.5). Father, this is my prayer of You in my life and for the world.
Father, if my friends are keepers of their word, then Matt, Dan, Kris, Marshall, Bruce, Sam, Scorz, Josh, Ethan, and Krista, and my mom are all praying for me, most of them for me to experience some kind an undeniable, metaphysical encounter with You.
If You refuse their requests, I shall throw my hands up in the air and that I will never understand You. I will also likely always have a skeptic monkey swinging through the trees in the back of my mind.
That’s not to say I wouldn’t continue to follow You and give credence to the claims that You are, that Jesus is Your son, that You are love, et cetera. Just that I have little idea why You wouldn’t answer a request like that.
Of course, remembering the examples of both Ethan and Kristen requires that I be patient.
This McHargue correspondence strengthens my hope that this wound of doubt I suffered last month is not for nothing. I’ve already written that you could summarize the intellectual effect of the doubt in one sentence, “I could be wrong.” And I feel peace and resolution when I say that. And perhaps that will open me up in all sorts of good, godly ways that I can’t anticipate.
It was great to be able to chat with you for so long, in spite of the disturbing circumstances. However, God is faithful and I know His truth will prevail.
Alana and I were working on a card project for church which had us in the scriptures. During the course of that time, I came across a few scriptures that I thought you would appreciate. Psalm 77:1-14 seemed to capture some of your thoughts you expressed last night:
I cried out to God for help; I cried out to God to hear me.
When I was in distress, I sought the Lord; at night I stretched out untiring hands, and I would not be comforted.
I remembered you, God, and I groaned; I meditated, and my spirit grew faint. You kept my eyes from closing; I was too troubled to speak.
I thought about the former days, the years of long ago; I remembered my songs in the night.
My heart meditated and my spirit asked: “Will the Lord reject forever? Will he never show his favor again? Has his unfailing love vanished forever? Has his promise failed for all time? Has God forgotten to be merciful? Has he in anger withheld his compassion?”
Then I thought, “To this I will appeal: the years when the Most High stretched out his right hand.
I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago. I will consider all your works and meditate on all your mighty deeds. ”Your ways, God, are holy.
What god is as great as our God? You are the God who performs miracles; you display your power among the peoples.
For some further encouragement, here is the link to Bethel’s testimonies: www.ibethel.org/testimoni… There are hundreds of them.
I also came across this as well, just as a word of, well…take it for what it’s worth.
Take care, brethren, that there not be in any one of you an evil, unbelieving heart that falls away from the living God. But encourage one another day after day, as long as it is still called “Today,” so that none of you will be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin. For we have become partakers of Christ, if we hold fast the beginning of our assurance firm until the end (Hebrews 3:12-14).
Love you like crazy!
me:
I wanted to briefly update you: I have set my face to follow Jesus. But I have to tell you, uncertainty about Him still undercuts my overall confidence and my prayer life. How do I talk with a still-invisible God of whom I’m unsure? The problem of evil makes it harder to praise Him, the problem of divine hiddenness makes it harder thank Him, and the problem of unanswered prayer makes it harder to ask of Him.
Nevertheless, as I’ve said, I’d be a fool to abandon Something that has worked so well for twenty-five years merely so I can subscribe to facile atheistic answers to three thorny questions.
Anyway, I do have many articles, books, and videos to take in to build myself back up. Thanks again for the link to the Bethel testimonies. They do help a little. And the Psalm is very practical. :)
Question: When you say, “God is faithful and I know His truth will prevail,” what do you mean? Do you mean that you know that He’ll preserve me from falling away from Him? How do you know that? Has His truth prevailed in my sisters’ lives?
mom:
First, let me say that I really appreciate you openess, brutal honesty, and forthrightness on all you are going through. I think about you everyday and pray that God make himself known to you in ways that will overwhelm you (in a good way)…
Your statements of doubt are cruel - as I can see how they are haunting you relentlessly. Yet I would encorage you to:
Talk to Him anyway, praise Him anyway, thank Him anyway (He’s given you soooo much!!!) and pray anyway.
Faith is God’s currency - You will be rewarded.
But I have something else for you to consider that may have some bearing on this ‘silence’ you are experiencing. But it’s something we should discuss when we have the time, or better, in person.
I guess you knew that C.S. Lewis was once an atheist. He apparently struggled with similar questions that you have.
Furthermore, as thorny as these questions are, I think those who have take an atheist’s view have yet thornier questions to answer, such as ‘Why do we exist?’, ‘What are we here for?", Does anything matter? What is truth then? what is right or wrong? We have no purpose and life is essentially meaningless. Everything is just a chemical action or reaction…Yuck….. now that’s depressing.
Another point to be wary of - is believing in God on the premise that it is ‘something that has been working so well for you for 25 years’. That is wonderful and it is true that He has given you much - you have been truly blessed on many fronts!! Yet (God forbid), that could change dramatically overnight if something horrible did happen - would it be all the ammunition you need to curse God and totally reject Him? (…..again, God forbid).
So, I know you you have a lot of material to review, but I recently ordered a brand new book that they were discussing on the radio about miracles. (Miracles: What They Are, Why They Happen, and How They Can Change Your Life - You will be receiving a copy any day now). I’m almost finished reading it and I am impressed with this guy’s intelligence and integrity - it’s well written and I think would appeal to your level of intellect - it’s both personal and academic. How timely! The book starts out and seems to grapple with each of these hard questions that you have been asking: unanswered prayer, the question of evil, etc. There’s no hype….I hope you enjoy it!
As far as the scripture: “God is faithful and I know His truth will prevail,” By this, I didn’t intend to mean that you’ll be preserved from falling, but He will be faithful to show you His truth. What you do with that truth is a choice that you make.
So let’s say for the argument, let’s do the math. The atheism is right, I am wrong, my faith is misguided and there is no God. I die and nothing happens, it’s just over. I’ve had a happy life, and have essentially lost nothing. The atheist did their thing and they lost nothing as well.
However, if my faith is the real deal, there is the God of the Bible, and we die - I gain everything and the atheist loses everything - forever. I’ll take my chances and stick with Jesus. Not that that’s the depth of my faith however, but ‘just sayin’…. :)
Scott, you’re an extremely gifted person and it’s God that has blessed you and created you this way for a purpose (well, probably several purposes).
I believe think God has plans for you (and Carla) that you haven’t even realized yet and ways that He will use you to advance His kingdom that just makes the enemy cringe. No wonder, he would love for your faith to be come shipwrecked - it would be a huge victory for him. But God is bigger than that. The time is coming when you will be so convinced of the reality of God and His kingdom and His Word, that nothing will shake you.
You have a call on your life - the charisma that you have draws people and that will draw them to Christ - in your writing, your acting, your voice, your speech, and just your personality. Your His son, a prince, a dreaded warrior.
I remember at Foxwood, when you sat in Frank’s chair and proclaimed parts of Psalm 119 declarations over him. Shortly after, he (with no prompting from me) decided he wanted to read and study the bible more.
Well, that’s all for now.
Ti amo.# me:I received your surprise package today. Thank you! I’ll add those resources to the pile of material I plan to go through to shore up my faith. I’m not sure that any amount of reading or watching is going to utterly eliminate the doubt, but these sorts of materials are certainly helpful as a bulwark against it. More than any reading, though, I’d love for God to make himself known to me “in ways that will overwhelm” me. Here I stand with eyes, ears, and arms wide open. I agree wholeheartedly with your prayer.
I want you to know that I pray, talk to, thank, and praise God despite this doubt. Surely that’s faith. I also want you to know that I still think Pascal’s wager, which is the “math” you describe, makes a lot of sense to me and remains part of my inner defenses as well, despite the idea having a philosophical beating in some anti-theist circles.
And to be clear, when I say that God is “Something that has worked so well for twenty-five years,” I don’t mean to see that He has insulated me from harm (although I think He sometimes has) and that that’s why I’m loathe to give Him up. Rather, knowing Jesus as a way living in and approaching the world, even in the face of suffering, has made tons of sense so far. It has formed my heart and my outlook and is so central to my healthy, strong identity that I’d be crazy to let it go.
So I don’t think that personal tragedy would be cause for me to curse and reject God. Actually, part of me suspects this grappling with the problem of evil in the abstract may be preparation to stand firm when evil hits me personally. I hope not and may it never be. But frankly, other than the divorce, which God took care of with long ago, I’ve lived a peachy life so far. So I do worry sometimes that tragedy is just around the corner.
You write, “The time is coming when you will be so convinced of the reality of God and His kingdom and His Word, that nothing will shake you.” I’ve spent most of my life with that conviction. May it return.
Thanks for reminding me about the Psalm 119 prayers for Frank.
I’ll mark down that we should talk about God’s ‘silence’ the next time we see each other, which is in just a few weeks!
Much love and thanks.
It was a delight yesterday to hear with the kids the Penn State senior flute quartet play with this piece, which had a lick I think they borrowed from Debussy. They did just that: play, passing the fetching melody back and forth, making for an exquisitely planned but apparently ludic soundscape. It made me think of God.
Serious consideration of the thoughts in the Atheism volume led to further reading on the Internet, which gave room for three theological “why?" questions to burrow into my soul:
Why, if God is all-good and all-powerful, does the world contain apparently meaningless suffering and evil?
Why, if God wants a relationship with His creatures, doesn’t He make Himself more obvious?
Why, if prayer is supposed to work the way I understand the Bible to describe it working, doesn’t it work more often?
These questions led to serious religious doubt back in May, which led to anxiety, which led to a sleepless night, despite my anguished cries for rest.
Since then, I had mostly been able keep conscious doubt at bay. The only manifestations were anxiety as I contemplated how to talk about death and God with my kids, and anxiety about not seeing God as obvious in nature like I’m “supposed to” according to the Bible.
Playing too sympathetic to my friends’ doubt at a sleepover, I relapsed into doubt pretty heavily starting on about 10/12, which led to the difficulty I experienced on my DiamondBack work trip comprising two more sleepless nights and lots of doubt and anxiety; thank God that Brandon accompanied me on the trip.
Along the way, I have relied heavily on three primary defenses to keep me alive:
The Bible anticipates suffering of all kind, including doubt and anxiety (e.g., Psalm 77), and has prescriptions on what to do about it (e.g., James 1:2-5, Hebrews 3:12-15).
God has “worked” for me for twenty-five years. It would be foolish to drop Him in favor of easy, atheistic answers to my three theological questions.
My friends, you included, have had experiences that are difficult to dismiss with naturalistic explanations.
I re-read an email from my mom today, and line therein precipitated some religious anxiety in me:
However, God is faithful and I know His truth will prevail.
I wondered rhetorically to her: How do you know that His truth will prevail in my life? Has it prevailed in Jami’s life? Jessica’s? Every believer you know? For that matter, how do I know to what extent God was directly involved in my own recent salvation from the cliffs of doubt? Did He actually do anything? I certainly can’t think of anything obviously supernatural that happened to help bring me back. Was it all just my own? Sure, I am rich in friends, some of whom have miracle accounts, and Carla’s support and uptick in libido sure helped. But how do I thank Him for a role I’m not sure He played? And if He didn’t play that role, what does that mean about Him and His will for our lives? Does He even exist? Wouldn’t be easier to explain the lack of miraculous intervention to save me from doubt by saying He simply doesn’t?
I just told Carla: “I evaluate what you’re thinking too quickly. I’m sorry.” She admitted doing the same to me. O Lord, that we be quick to listen and slow to speak.
I like the idea of viewing the whole of life as a gift for which I can be grateful. The problem I see with it is that it’s hard to see it that way without tripping into thinking that You have provided it specifically to me, as if You were specifically more providential in my life than, say, in the life of an impoverished, persecuted Christian in India.
God, if the translators are right, I’m not sure You could have chosen a more potent name in the face of skeptics: I AM is about as pithy and defiant as a name could be.
Lord, help me find a way back to gratitude to You. If you are as distant as I might decide to think You mostly are, I’m not sure on what grounds I thank You for, say, the food before me at dinner.
“I lay down and slept;
I wakened again, for the Lord sustains me.
I will not be afraid of ten thousands of people
Who have set themselves against me round about.”
— Psalm 3:5-6
Reading through the Psalms is going to provide ample fodder for prayer—and encouragement and peace, I think, especially as I construe all the enemies involved as demons or anxieties or skeptics. Not that I will wish harm upon the skeptics as the psalmists wish about their enemies; but I will, as indicated in the above quotation, not be afraid of them.
What to make of Jesus’ extreme and embarrassing statements about the efficacy of faithful prayer, such as “All things you ask in prayer, believing, you will receive”? There
“Jesus is speaking hyperbolically.” This seems to me the most likely, or at least the most acceptable, option. Greg Boyd would claim this one.
“Jesus was speaking literally, but ‘believing’ means something different from what I think it means, perhaps something closer to the ‘just knowing’ I used to get when prompted to pray for people’s headaches to go away.” This is C.S. Lewis’ take on the matter, at least as I remember one of his letters to Malcom on prayer.
“Jesus didn’t say that.” Liberal Christians would claim this one.
All three options are plausible and don’t require me to abandon my faith in Jesus.
I wanted to write briefly to update you: I have set my face to follow Jesus. But I have to tell you, the uncertainty about Him still undercuts my overall confidence and my prayer life. How do I talk with a still-invisible God of whom I’m unsure? The problem of evil makes me less likely to praise Him, the problem of divine hiddenness makes me less likely to thank Him, and the problem of unanswered prayer makes me less likely to ask of Him.
Moving through life with a foundation I’m unsure of is a novel experience for me. Whatever the benefits of the doubt—and I do intend to read that book—I think I was happier without it.
Why I’m unsure about Him after hearing miracle claims from close friends is a mystery to me. I do know doubt is very social, so I’m going to do what I can to avoid reading material from the dark side. And I have a lot of reading and video-watching to do to shore up my faith. One of the few things I’ve gotten to already is the McHargue article series you sent. I appreciated it, although I still don’t know how he goes about discussing faith and God with his kids.
Thank you again for your support through this.
Love and admiration,
Scott
P.S. Also, compared to me (and speaking very myopically), McHargue has a one-up on me that I envy: “I once heard Jesus whisper in my ear. A few hours later, I met God on the beach in one of the most powerful experiences of my life. I understand that this sounds ridiculous to modern ears, but I’m relaying my own experience here. I heard a voice, and then I had a time where I felt like I connected with something beyond physical space and time.” I cannot remember a similar experience in my own life. I’m jealous. I hold out hope for such an experience. Nevertheless, McHargue does lay out a nice place to be that harmonizes it all. He doesn’t answer the Questions, but he still invites me to a nice mindspace.
friend:
Thanks for the update! I was actually just about to write to ask.
So, your status has me thinking of the story of Jacob wrestling the angel, again. After all, he walked with limp the rest of his days. Did he regret his grappling with that shadowy figure? Did he miss the days of “wholeness” before, the unquestioning pursuit of his loves and desires? Or was it a reminder that gave him sustenance and holy pause through the turbulent days ahead? I don’t have a clue—but I suspect that he was buoyed by the fact that he heard from God in the midst of his aching, sleepless night.
And so I hear and agree with your desire to hear Christ “whisper”—and to know that it was Him.
That’s my prayer for both of us, today.
P.S. I hear you regarding doubt being a social thing, though I suspect the opposite is also true—what to do with this? Navigate the waters with humility and grace, I conclude.)I never want to fall in love with my own questions, my own hipster self-awareness. I’m remembered of an old Sixpence song [link lost]—perhaps you know it?
me:
Yes, if this struggle leads to a theophany, it’ll have been worth it. So AMEN. Heck, I’d take a miracle, or even a God-stamped “time where I felt like I connected with something beyond physical space and time.”
And yes, in my own heart, at least, faith is a social as doubt. I wonder how the social allure of faith feels to an atheist. Is it as anxious as that of doubt to a believer?
I agree wholeheartedly about the Questions. I don’t like Questions as part of my identity. I prefer the fruits of the spirit. And in the face of my questions:
Want a theodicy? Screw that; who knows? The point is: Evil is. So join God in fighting it and sympathizing with and relieving its victims.
Worried that God is hidden? Live in such a way that you reveal Him.
God may not answer most prayers in ways that are discernible, let alone miraculous. But that doesn’t mean He doesn’t answer some, even sometimes miraculously. And it doesn’t mean there aren’t other salubrious effects of praying. So pray anyway.Reflecting yesterday on how to raise my kids toward Jesus, and coupled with some knee-jerk thoughts when faced with criticisms of the Lewis trilemma—“Wait, what? People find problems with the Lewis trilemma? I thought that was open-and-shut! Man, this apologetics stuff is doomed”—it occurs to me that so much religious doubt and anxiety might be preempted if we acknowledged up front to our kids, similar to what McHargue advocates, that:
We might be wrong about our religious beliefs. But it’s still OK to hold them, and to do so very passionately, provided they aren’t motivation for hatred or violence. In fact, for many people, such beliefs are more than OK: they are joyful and vital.
Other people have looked at virtually the same evidence to the deity of Jesus and come to very different conclusions, often rationally, and sometimes motivated by love, or at least Polonian honesty. While this might challenge our soteriology or our Christology, it doesn’t have to assail our faith in God or even in Jesus.
We might be wrong! Whoa. Acknowledging that might be the biggest change in me through all this so far.
How do good things in the ekklesia end up going bad? Often the road to corruption is paved with stones of well-intended pragmatism. Virtue is not always practical, nor profitable. Love is not pragmatic. There is no love column on a profit-loss statement or a balance sheet. Love cannot be analyzed. Love can be entered in to. Doing what is right does not always have an immediate practical outcome of benefit. When a spirit of pragmatism enters a community (especially regarding money) little incremental steps are taken choosing the practical and the profitable over the virtuous and honorable. Those little bricks of making pragmatism our God, pave the highway to corruption. Pragmatism wants to assure that a course of action turns out well for me/mine and ours. Love wants to make sure it turns out well for others, even if it costs me/us.
Briefly reflecting on Luke Muehlhauser, the “Common Sense Atheist,” and his dedication to preparing for the “intelligence explosion” he fears, it occurs to me that it might be best if I focused my charitable efforts like he does. Now, I won’t be concentrating on defending against the singularity, but I could stand to narrow things down. Currently, it’s Water.org, Young Life, the Pregnancy Resource Clinic, Food for the Hungry, the State College Food Bank, and Clearwater Conservancy we donate to. I like all those organizations. But if I want to make a difference, perhaps I need to get behind one in particular.
But where I want to make a difference is interpersonally. If I’m going to change the world, I want to change it through friendship. The problems I’m solving? Well, I imagine many might be solved this way, at least for the people I’m interpersonal-ing. But first among them is loneliness.