With strength training on a two-week hold that ends Friday, a novel, disorienting anti-desire against listening to new music having set in, and sleep more reliably ending close to 6 AM yet maintaining the too-many wakeups along the way yet me no longer caring to track it or try to problem-solve it, life feels more improvvy now. It’s destabilizing. I feel like I’m wobbling.
But it’s also invigorating. The fact is, if I’m capable of RDLing nearly 380 lb after five hours of sleep, I’m capable of being my joyfully intense self in the whole of life regardless of how much sleep I’ve gotten, regardless of whether there’s a plan for the day, regardless whether I feel “on top of things.” I’m finally beginning to grasp what Ben and Kirk were unable to define to me last year or the year before yet insisted on saying about me when they told me I’m “uncomfortable with ambiguity” and need to learn to “lead through ambiguity.” It means I always want to preplan and then follow the plan, that I never want to make decisions on the fly about how to spend my time. That feels like it is changing. And despite the disorientation, it’s actually kind of fun to make decisions on the fly.
I will likely still press for clarity and plans, especially for things like prayer and exercise, anchors of time and health which are so easily cast off, but clarity does not have to take the form of a step-by-step plan for life and my days, and I ought not stop everything in the absence of a plan just so I can make a plan.
Let me be like Abraham and just go.