mom:

Hope you made it home safely?!

It was great to be able to chat with you for so long, in spite of the disturbing circumstances. However, God is faithful and I know His truth will prevail.

Alana and I were working on a card project for church which had us in the scriptures. During the course of that time, I came across a few scriptures that I thought you would appreciate. Psalm 77:1-14 seemed to capture some of your thoughts you expressed last night:

I cried out to God for help; I cried out to God to hear me.
When I was in distress, I sought the Lord; at night I stretched out untiring hands, and I would not be comforted.
I remembered you, God, and I groaned; I meditated, and my spirit grew faint. You kept my eyes from closing; I was too troubled to speak.
I thought about the former days, the years of long ago; I remembered my songs in the night.
My heart meditated and my spirit asked: “Will the Lord reject forever? Will he never show his favor again? Has his unfailing love vanished forever? Has his promise failed for all time? Has God forgotten to be merciful? Has he in anger withheld his compassion?”
Then I thought, “To this I will appeal: the years when the Most High stretched out his right hand.
I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago. I will consider all your works and meditate on all your mighty deeds. ”Your ways, God, are holy.
What god is as great as our God? You are the God who performs miracles; you display your power among the peoples.

For some further encouragement, here is the link to Bethel’s testimonies: www.ibethel.org/testimoni… There are hundreds of them.

I also came across this as well, just as a word of, well…take it for what it’s worth.

Take care, brethren, that there not be in any one of you an evil, unbelieving heart that falls away from the living God. But encourage one another day after day, as long as it is still called “Today,” so that none of you will be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin. For we have become partakers of Christ, if we hold fast the beginning of our assurance firm until the end (Hebrews 3:12-14).

Love you like crazy!

me:

I wanted to briefly update you: I have set my face to follow Jesus. But I have to tell you, uncertainty about Him still undercuts my overall confidence and my prayer life. How do I talk with a still-invisible God of whom I’m unsure? The problem of evil makes it harder to praise Him, the problem of divine hiddenness makes it harder thank Him, and the problem of unanswered prayer makes it harder to ask of Him.

Nevertheless, as I’ve said, I’d be a fool to abandon Something that has worked so well for twenty-five years merely so I can subscribe to facile atheistic answers to three thorny questions.

Anyway, I do have many articles, books, and videos to take in to build myself back up. Thanks again for the link to the Bethel testimonies. They do help a little. And the Psalm is very practical. :)

Question: When you say, “God is faithful and I know His truth will prevail,” what do you mean? Do you mean that you know that He’ll preserve me from falling away from Him? How do you know that? Has His truth prevailed in my sisters’ lives?

mom:

First, let me say that I really appreciate you openess, brutal honesty, and forthrightness on all you are going through. I think about you everyday and pray that God make himself known to you in ways that will overwhelm you (in a good way)… Your statements of doubt are cruel - as I can see how they are haunting you relentlessly. Yet I would encorage you to: Talk to Him anyway, praise Him anyway, thank Him anyway (He’s given you soooo much!!!) and pray anyway. Faith is God’s currency - You will be rewarded. But I have something else for you to consider that may have some bearing on this ‘silence’ you are experiencing. But it’s something we should discuss when we have the time, or better, in person. I guess you knew that C.S. Lewis was once an atheist. He apparently struggled with similar questions that you have. Furthermore, as thorny as these questions are, I think those who have take an atheist’s view have yet thornier questions to answer, such as ‘Why do we exist?’, ‘What are we here for?", Does anything matter? What is truth then? what is right or wrong? We have no purpose and life is essentially meaningless. Everything is just a chemical action or reaction…Yuck….. now that’s depressing. Another point to be wary of - is believing in God on the premise that it is ‘something that has been working so well for you for 25 years’. That is wonderful and it is true that He has given you much - you have been truly blessed on many fronts!! Yet (God forbid), that could change dramatically overnight if something horrible did happen - would it be all the ammunition you need to curse God and totally reject Him? (…..again, God forbid). So, I know you you have a lot of material to review, but I recently ordered a brand new book that they were discussing on the radio about miracles. (Miracles: What They Are, Why They Happen, and How They Can Change Your Life - You will be receiving a copy any day now). I’m almost finished reading it and I am impressed with this guy’s intelligence and integrity - it’s well written and I think would appeal to your level of intellect - it’s both personal and academic. How timely! The book starts out and seems to grapple with each of these hard questions that you have been asking: unanswered prayer, the question of evil, etc. There’s no hype….I hope you enjoy it! As far as the scripture: “God is faithful and I know His truth will prevail,” By this, I didn’t intend to mean that you’ll be preserved from falling, but He will be faithful to show you His truth. What you do with that truth is a choice that you make. So let’s say for the argument, let’s do the math. The atheism is right, I am wrong, my faith is misguided and there is no God. I die and nothing happens, it’s just over. I’ve had a happy life, and have essentially lost nothing. The atheist did their thing and they lost nothing as well. However, if my faith is the real deal, there is the God of the Bible, and we die - I gain everything and the atheist loses everything - forever. I’ll take my chances and stick with Jesus. Not that that’s the depth of my faith however, but ‘just sayin’…. :) Scott, you’re an extremely gifted person and it’s God that has blessed you and created you this way for a purpose (well, probably several purposes). I believe think God has plans for you (and Carla) that you haven’t even realized yet and ways that He will use you to advance His kingdom that just makes the enemy cringe. No wonder, he would love for your faith to be come shipwrecked - it would be a huge victory for him. But God is bigger than that. The time is coming when you will be so convinced of the reality of God and His kingdom and His Word, that nothing will shake you. You have a call on your life - the charisma that you have draws people and that will draw them to Christ - in your writing, your acting, your voice, your speech, and just your personality. Your His son, a prince, a dreaded warrior. I remember at Foxwood, when you sat in Frank’s chair and proclaimed parts of Psalm 119 declarations over him. Shortly after, he (with no prompting from me) decided he wanted to read and study the bible more. Well, that’s all for now. Ti amo.# me:I received your surprise package today. Thank you! I’ll add those resources to the pile of material I plan to go through to shore up my faith. I’m not sure that any amount of reading or watching is going to utterly eliminate the doubt, but these sorts of materials are certainly helpful as a bulwark against it. More than any reading, though, I’d love for God to make himself known to me “in ways that will overwhelm” me. Here I stand with eyes, ears, and arms wide open. I agree wholeheartedly with your prayer. I want you to know that I pray, talk to, thank, and praise God despite this doubt. Surely that’s faith. I also want you to know that I still think Pascal’s wager, which is the “math” you describe, makes a lot of sense to me and remains part of my inner defenses as well, despite the idea having a philosophical beating in some anti-theist circles. And to be clear, when I say that God is “Something that has worked so well for twenty-five years,” I don’t mean to see that He has insulated me from harm (although I think He sometimes has) and that that’s why I’m loathe to give Him up. Rather, knowing Jesus as a way living in and approaching the world, even in the face of suffering, has made tons of sense so far. It has formed my heart and my outlook and is so central to my healthy, strong identity that I’d be crazy to let it go. So I don’t think that personal tragedy would be cause for me to curse and reject God. Actually, part of me suspects this grappling with the problem of evil in the abstract may be preparation to stand firm when evil hits me personally. I hope not and may it never be. But frankly, other than the divorce, which God took care of with long ago, I’ve lived a peachy life so far. So I do worry sometimes that tragedy is just around the corner. You write, “The time is coming when you will be so convinced of the reality of God and His kingdom and His Word, that nothing will shake you.” I’ve spent most of my life with that conviction. May it return. Thanks for reminding me about the Psalm 119 prayers for Frank. I’ll mark down that we should talk about God’s ‘silence’ the next time we see each other, which is in just a few weeks! Much love and thanks.