Serious consideration of the thoughts in the Atheism volume led to further reading on the Internet, which gave room for three theological “why?" questions to burrow into my soul:
Why, if God is all-good and all-powerful, does the world contain apparently meaningless suffering and evil?
Why, if God wants a relationship with His creatures, doesn’t He make Himself more obvious?
Why, if prayer is supposed to work the way I understand the Bible to describe it working, doesn’t it work more often?
These questions led to serious religious doubt back in May, which led to anxiety, which led to a sleepless night, despite my anguished cries for rest.
Since then, I had mostly been able keep conscious doubt at bay. The only manifestations were anxiety as I contemplated how to talk about death and God with my kids, and anxiety about not seeing God as obvious in nature like I’m “supposed to” according to the Bible.
Playing too sympathetic to my friends’ doubt at a sleepover, I relapsed into doubt pretty heavily starting on about 10/12, which led to the difficulty I experienced on my DiamondBack work trip comprising two more sleepless nights and lots of doubt and anxiety; thank God that Brandon accompanied me on the trip.
Along the way, I have relied heavily on three primary defenses to keep me alive:
The Bible anticipates suffering of all kind, including doubt and anxiety (e.g., Psalm 77), and has prescriptions on what to do about it (e.g., James 1:2-5, Hebrews 3:12-15).
God has “worked” for me for twenty-five years. It would be foolish to drop Him in favor of easy, atheistic answers to my three theological questions.
My friends, you included, have had experiences that are difficult to dismiss with naturalistic explanations.