me:

I wanted to write briefly to update you: I have set my face to follow Jesus. But I have to tell you, the uncertainty about Him still undercuts my overall confidence and my prayer life. How do I talk with a still-invisible God of whom I’m unsure? The problem of evil makes me less likely to praise Him, the problem of divine hiddenness makes me less likely to thank Him, and the problem of unanswered prayer makes me less likely to ask of Him.

Moving through life with a foundation I’m unsure of is a novel experience for me. Whatever the benefits of the doubt—and I do intend to read that book—I think I was happier without it.

Why I’m unsure about Him after hearing miracle claims from close friends is a mystery to me. I do know doubt is very social, so I’m going to do what I can to avoid reading material from the dark side. And I have a lot of reading and video-watching to do to shore up my faith. One of the few things I’ve gotten to already is the McHargue article series you sent. I appreciated it, although I still don’t know how he goes about discussing faith and God with his kids.

Thank you again for your support through this.

Love and admiration, Scott

P.S. Also, compared to me (and speaking very myopically), McHargue has a one-up on me that I envy: “I once heard Jesus whisper in my ear. A few hours later, I met God on the beach in one of the most powerful experiences of my life. I understand that this sounds ridiculous to modern ears, but I’m relaying my own experience here. I heard a voice, and then I had a time where I felt like I connected with something beyond physical space and time.” I cannot remember a similar experience in my own life. I’m jealous. I hold out hope for such an experience. Nevertheless, McHargue does lay out a nice place to be that harmonizes it all. He doesn’t answer the Questions, but he still invites me to a nice mindspace.

friend:

Thanks for the update! I was actually just about to write to ask.

So, your status has me thinking of the story of Jacob wrestling the angel, again. After all, he walked with limp the rest of his days. Did he regret his grappling with that shadowy figure? Did he miss the days of “wholeness” before, the unquestioning pursuit of his loves and desires? Or was it a reminder that gave him sustenance and holy pause through the turbulent days ahead? I don’t have a clue—but I suspect that he was buoyed by the fact that he heard from God in the midst of his aching, sleepless night.

And so I hear and agree with your desire to hear Christ “whisper”—and to know that it was Him.

That’s my prayer for both of us, today.

P.S. I hear you regarding doubt being a social thing, though I suspect the opposite is also true—what to do with this? Navigate the waters with humility and grace, I conclude.)I never want to fall in love with my own questions, my own hipster self-awareness. I’m remembered of an old Sixpence song [link lost]—perhaps you know it?

me:

Yes, if this struggle leads to a theophany, it’ll have been worth it. So AMEN. Heck, I’d take a miracle, or even a God-stamped “time where I felt like I connected with something beyond physical space and time.” And yes, in my own heart, at least, faith is a social as doubt. I wonder how the social allure of faith feels to an atheist. Is it as anxious as that of doubt to a believer? I agree wholeheartedly about the Questions. I don’t like Questions as part of my identity. I prefer the fruits of the spirit. And in the face of my questions: - Want a theodicy? Screw that; who knows? The point is: Evil is. So join God in fighting it and sympathizing with and relieving its victims. - Worried that God is hidden? Live in such a way that you reveal Him. - God may not answer most prayers in ways that are discernible, let alone miraculous. But that doesn’t mean He doesn’t answer some, even sometimes miraculously. And it doesn’t mean there aren’t other salubrious effects of praying. So pray anyway.Reflecting yesterday on how to raise my kids toward Jesus, and coupled with some knee-jerk thoughts when faced with criticisms of the Lewis trilemma—“Wait, what? People find problems with the Lewis trilemma? I thought that was open-and-shut! Man, this apologetics stuff is doomed”—it occurs to me that so much religious doubt and anxiety might be preempted if we acknowledged up front to our kids, similar to what McHargue advocates, that: - We might be wrong about our religious beliefs. But it’s still OK to hold them, and to do so very passionately, provided they aren’t motivation for hatred or violence. In fact, for many people, such beliefs are more than OK: they are joyful and vital. - Other people have looked at virtually the same evidence to the deity of Jesus and come to very different conclusions, often rationally, and sometimes motivated by love, or at least Polonian honesty. While this might challenge our soteriology or our Christology, it doesn’t have to assail our faith in God or even in Jesus. We might be wrong! Whoa. Acknowledging that might be the biggest change in me through all this so far. /S