What a weekend. I decided I want to go back to DiamondBack. Church helped a lot. Ethan is amenable, he thinks, so it’s mostly pending Brandon’s approval. I think he’ll say yes.
That means I need to prepare for an uncomfortable conversation with Scott Woods.
Carla: Oh my God, living with you is like living in a legal document!
Scott: Oh my god, living with you is like living in oatmeal!
Scott: Éa, would you mind if I put on some tunes?
Éa: Yeah.
Scott [to clarify]: Should I put on some tunes?
Éa: Yeah.
Scott: Any objections anyone?
Éa: Tunes! But don’t put on any objections!
I want one of those ballet shirts with a butt and a labia.
— Éa, in reference to buying a leotard
Scott: Sullivan, I’ve been meaning to talk with you about your reading habits.
Sullivan: You’ll never stop me.
Éa: [making small talk] What’s your Stilson?
Lindsay: Pelz. [the correct answer]
Carla: [playfully flicks dishwater at Scott]
Scott: What did I do to deserve that?
Carla: You married me.
Hey, it was definitely hard, but I really enjoyed spending time with you this evening.
— Scott, to Carla
Éa [from the other end of the house]: Mama! Watch this!
Carla: Honey, I’m cooking!
Éa: Mama watch this!
Carla: I can’t! I’m cooking right now!
Éa: Mama! Watch this! I can jump from the TOP!
Carla [walking quickly to the other end of the house]: Okay! You’ve got my interest!
Carla: It’s 7:57.
Scott: What!? Already?
Carla: I know. Like, what the fUuuuuuUuuck? [moment of silence] Sometimes I say that just to assert my adulthood.
Daddy, no you don’t go to work! Éa and I go to work! [pause] Oh. Well, I guess if Éa and I were the one who went to work, we’d be poor.
— Sullivan, in a gradually self-aware attempt to keep Scott from going to work that day
The front cover of a birthday card Sullivan drew for Cassie’s birthday. Featuring a black-capped chickadee drawn from a photo.
Yeah, but I got two in a row.
— Sullivan, after losing at tic-tac-toe to Grandpa
Carla: Wow, it looks like it was cold last night.
Sullivan: Well, I was as warm as a bear slumbering in the basement.
If I were married to myself, I’d be divorced.
— Carla
Carla: I’ve gotta get in shape for the wedding.
Scott: Whoa. Weird. Normal woman-talk just came out of my wife’s mouth.
I’m afraid that I’ll go from avoider to pleaser if I reopen myself up to feelings. It’s difficult for me to act in love from a place of strength and confidence if feelings are involved. I find I’m worried about whether folks approve of me. Lord, help.
Be it so resolved that I will not attempt to listen to music while at work except if I am doing very rote tasks.
“Who among you is wise and understanding? Let him show by his good behavior his deeds in the gentleness of wisdom. […T]he wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, reasonable, full of mercy and good fruits, unwavering, without hypocrisy. And the seed whose fruit is righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace.”
— James 3:13,17–18
I’m going to need to re-read Romans. It’s just so darn thick.
It’s true: I had shut down my emotions and desires in a bid for self-mastery. I have been grossly unemotional. Unhealthily unemotional.
Why? In summary, it goes like this: As I enter high school, my slight streak of irresponsibility and forgetfulness with my homework becomes intolerable to me. At the same time, middle- and high-school romantic relationships lead to heartbreak after heartbreak.
In that environment begins my yen for absolute self-mastery. I’m tired of the disappointment I feel coming from teachers about how sharp I am, if only I could remember my homework. I’m tired of having my heart broken and (later) kissing and breaking hearts because I can’t control myself. So, what do I want more than anything? Self-control.
Emotions and desires were making me flaky, irresponsible, and ashamed. So I shut them down.
(There may be earlier environmental elements related to the way Mom and Dad parented me that set me up for this. I’m not sure they matter at this time.)
The action...
// read full article →“I was a lover before this war.”
— TV on the Radio, in a lyric that at the moment reminds me of my comment to Carla last night, “Who needs emotions? They’re so unreliable.”
Carla and I had our first Friday Night Music Night with Kid A in the bedroom this evening. She has these fascinating and often poignant movies that play in her head as she listens, as if each track were meant to be a soundtrack. It’s amazing, and it makes me want to practice the same as a way to increase my creativity.
For her, of course, it comes naturally. For me, methinks it will take self-discipline.
New guidelines for goal-choosing:
Having just finished my presentation to College Township about backyard hens, I now move on to reading How We Love.
It occurs to me for perhaps the first time ever that going for emotional connection is a worthy goal in life. Like, that should be the primary thing I’m trying to do with the people closest to me.