“It’s remarkable that in all of his writings Paul’s prayers for his friends contain no appeals for changes in their circumstances.”

—Tim Keller

Father, I’m telling You:

• The problem of evil will make me less likely to praise You.
• The problem of divine hiddenness will make me less likely to thank You.
• The problem of unanswered prayer will make me less likely to ask of You.

That will leave You and me with lament as my only mode of prayer. Seems like a impoverished relationship to me.

Stories of other people’s miracles seem able to take me only so far. A direct encounter with You myself would go a long way.

I remind myself of two things that will help me set the problem of evil down:

1. Theodicy is much easier when death isn’t taken as final and when what comes after it is believed to be very good. Both those things are part of Christian belief, especially if you’re at least at the inclusivist point on the soteriological spectrum, like I currently am. (This does leave me curious to pick back up my project about what the Bible actually says about who receives eternal life.)

2. Also, I must admit that the problem of evil will, in all likelihood, remain unresolved during this lifetime. We are, after all, arguing about an invisible deity. Nevertheless, as tempting as it may be, trading my faith for a facile resolution to this and the other two related problems (divine hiddenness and unanswered prayer) would be foolish.

If I’m not careful, I’m going to petrify a habit of mine that has developed in the past few weeks and become such a temptation as to displace the role seeking online infotainment or titillation has at times played in my life: reading theological articles on the Internet during the workday. If I allow this habit to solidify, it will have two detrimental effects: I will lose my job, and I will lose my faith.

“For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor uncircumcision means anything, but faith working through love” (Galatians 5:6). That’s the only faith worth having. And it’s the only faith I can have through some of this terrifically doubtful season. Specific religious practice is questionable. Faith expressed in love is not.

Note to self: For as helpful as Richard Beck can be, I should read neither him nor his commenters before bed.

I tire of writing about religious doubt and anxiety. So let’s try something else: The thing I most remember about today is the delicious onion & spinach pizza Carla made for our dinner with flaxseed, oregano, and red pepper cooked into the dough. The consistency of the dough was perfect.

The most important thing to happen to me today is that I asked the church to pray for me that my anxiety that lingers and pops up unbidden (for instance, upon looking at an old photograph in the CD insert for Down the Old Plank Road, I felt anxious that the people in the photograph weren’t alive any more), that You, God would take it away. Most memorable among the prayers was that Dave asked you to “talk loud.”

Oh, and I want to watch all ninety episodes of Curious George with the kids via Greta’s Netflix account. And I won a few golf passes by winning the donut-on-a-string contest at Millbrook Marsh’s annual Historic Harvest Festival.

Curiously, my not getting everything done today that I wanted to get done as I stood up to leave to go to the Potters’ house for dinner and trick-or-treating elicited feelings of anxiety and disappointment. In addition, and somewhat laughably, it led to doubt of God’s existence. What a silly thing to hang it on.

I woke up this morning with Raffi’s “All I Really Need” in my head. According to Mr. Cavoukian, here’s the list:

• a song in my heart
• food in my belly
• love in my family
• the rain to fall
• the sun to shine
• some clean water for drinking
• clean air for breathing

Many fewer people than do, myself included, have reason to complain or doubt whether God is good.

My suspicion is that God put the song in my head overnight. A nice little gift.

An alert just popped up for Uncle Chris’ birthday next week. How do you wish a happy birthday to someone who looks forward to death?

I worry that nothing good will end up coming from this doubtful episode.

Lord, may it not be this way. Would you change me on the inside and help me to love better and more actively, be more sympathetic and humble, and be alive in You all the more because of the doubtful episode.

“Your brain cannot do fear and gratitude simultaneously. If you’re in fear… go to a state of gratefulness” (Sue Krautkramer).

It’s nice to work in a place where it’s not weird when your colleagues close your call with “Love you.”

My favorite holistic metaphysics is this one, with probably a dash of Greg Boyd’s free-will theodicy mixed in.

With Resurrection Letters Vol. 2, all Andrew Peterson needs to be the second (and improved) musical coming of Rich Mullins is a hammered dulcimer.

I got home today. Well, I arrived at our friends’ house first for their annual pumpkin-carving party. And at first, I was disoriented and depressed in seeing my friends and my family. I think that was because I was looking for God in their eyes. I was hoping one of them would be the channel through which I would “find God” again.

But they weren’t.

What’s more, I found the opposite: People content without God. I do not want to live my friends’ life. With no lord other than his own desires, it appears my friend has given himself to a life of hobbies: water rockets, board games, aquaponics, a zip line, making music. That seems empty to me.

That somehow pointed to a possible way of finding God: seeking Him by ministering to the least of these. Seeing God in mission.

On my way home from Florida, I spoke over the phone with the following friends about my doubt:

• Josh,
• Mom,
• Dan,
• Travis,
• Mike, and
• Sam.

Among the many helpful things that were spoken, one evidence of God’s presence strikes me right now: Mike said, referring to his self-image problems and awkwardness prior to finding Jesus, “All I know is that I was blind, and now I see” (see John 9:25).

On my way home from Florida, I spoke over the phone with the following friends about my doubt:

• Josh,
• Mom,
• Dan,
• Travis,
• Mike, and
• Sam.

Among the many helpful things that were spoken, one evidence of God’s presence strikes me right now: Mike said, referring to his self-image problems and awkwardness prior to finding Jesus, “All I know is that I was blind, and now I see” (see John 9:25).

“Don’t worry about the parts of the Bible you don’t understand. Obey the parts you do.”

— a Red Letter Wake Up email newsletter

O Lord, by these things men live, And in all these is the life of my spirit; O restore me to health and let me live! Lo, for my own welfare I had great bitterness; It is You who has kept my soul from the pit of nothingness, For You have cast all my sins behind Your back. For Sheol cannot thank You, Death cannot praise You; Those who go down to the pit cannot hope for Your faithfulness. It is the living who give thanks to You, as I do today; A father tells his sons about Your faithfulness. The Lord will surely save me; So we will play my songs on stringed instruments All the days of our life at the house of the Lord.

— Hezekiah, in Isaiah 38:16-20

I was touched by John Piper tweeting verse seventeen while I was doing nothing on the PestWorld show floor. What Hezekiah says about death, I could say about doubt.

Brandon took me to Disney World Hollywood Studios this evening as a token of appreciation. The highlights for me were:

• the Tower of Terror, which as a virtual brush with death was probably good for my anxious heart
• Rock n Roll Coaster, a fast-start roller coaster that I was terrified of at the beginning but loved after it began, as usual.
• a beautiful voice message from Carla and the kids telling me they love me.
• an often goofy but somehow touching The Great Movie Ride. It may have been the glimpse of George Bailey being embraced by his children during a rapid-fire montage at the end of the ride.

Today I prayed for Todd, the young man at 535 Auto in Orlando who plugged my tire. The muscles controlling his right eye don’t work very well, rendering him virtually blind there since his birth. I handed him my business card and asked him to call me if anything happens.

One thing: Moving forward, it will very difficult for me to assess truth claims.

me:

Do you have a copy of Finger of God, Furious Love, Father of Lights, or Holy Ghost?

Mom:

I’ve seen all four, but only have the first three. I will be getting the Holy Ghost one on October 26th when they show it at the EastGate Philly Service. How’s your trip going?

me:

I ask about the movies for a specific reason: For the first time in my life, I have experienced religious doubt. It’s been acute, soul-threatening, and sleep-stealing. I think the momentum of my soul is in the right direction, but I’m certainly not out of the woods yet.

I’ll be traveling home solo much of the afternoon/evening Friday and morning/afternoon Saturday. Would you free for a longer phone chat sometime in those time windows?

Other than my doubt, we’ve had a great trip. The kids and Carla just touched down at BWI on their way home about an hour ago. Sullivan was apparently more excited about riding the airport tram, which was some kind of maglev or at least monorail, than he...