Completism is not a fruit of the spirit.

I shall not be ashamed of saying God healed the people I read about or that God spoke to Carla about such-and-such. I may have to fall back on one of McHargue’s maxims, but still. It’s better than shying away from calling it God. And I need You, God. It used to be a luxury I was requesting; now it is a necessity. I need to experience You. I can point to my good life and say You gave them to me, but that’s not the same thing.

Personifying the highest good is very motivating, even if it’s false (which I don’t think it is, but it might be).

I wake up almost every morning these days with a shot of anxiety running through my middle. My inkling is that it stems from always doing and never resting. Is that it?

Carla says when she feels that way, she takes it as a prompt to pray.

There’s plenty of high-quality Christian music out there. Why not spin it more often? Listening to a few Jars and Crowder tracks this evening reminds me that I need not be shy.

Dad! In heaven, I bet that don’t have any rifles.

— Sullivan, without prompting, while being towed along through Spring Creek Park on a snow saucer

“Suffering is the stripping of our hope in finite things, therefore we do not put our ultimate hope in anything finite.”

— Tim Keller

Faith is trust manifested in action.

“Rest is an act of defiance.”

— Walter Brueggemann

[Psalm 16](Psalm 16) stands as a gleaming promise. And it has this line: “I said to the Lord, ‘You are my Lord; I have no good besides You.’” That’s the attitude I want to have.

Then Jesus said to His disciples, “If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it. For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul? For the Son of Man is going to come in the glory of His Father with His angels, and will then repay every man according to his deeds” (Matthew 16:24-27).

I am challenged by these words of Jesus this morning. In what ways am I trying to save my life? In what ways am I losing it for Jesus’ sake?

“The world is passing away along with its desires, but whoever does the will of God abides forever” (1 John 2:17).

I delight in assertions that eternal life is a real thing.

I’ll note three things today:

1. Carla got a conclusive answer about her allergies today from the allergist: She is allergic to dust mites. Hearing this relieved and excited me, because we finally now have a definite problem with definite solutions. I am eager to help her feel better.
2. Carla reminded me this evening that I can set boundaries and say no to the kids. I was expressing consternation that it was so difficult to concentrate on something I wanted to accomplish, like (this evening) finding a way to sing those B♭s in “Valjean’s Soliloquy,” while in the presence of the kids because they—especially Sullivan—would interrupt with chatter or questions or requests. She made it very simple and was in fact surprised that I was not setting boundaries. Thanks, Carla.
3. Reading about Jairus’ daughter this evening in The Jesus Storybook Bible found me asking inwardly, “Is this stuff going to hold up for her against 21st-century naturalistic bias? It seems like it’s ripe for scoffing and skepticism. Actually, I almost feel silly believing that this stuff actually happened. Is Jesus necessary?” Father, may it hold.

“Because of the devastation of the afflicted, because of the groaning of the needy, now I will arise,” says the Lord; “I will set him in the safety for which he longs” (Psalm 12.5). Father, this is my prayer of You in my life and for the world.

Father, if my friends are keepers of their word, then Matt, Dan, Kris, Marshall, Bruce, Sam, Scorz, Josh, Ethan, and Krista, and my mom are all praying for me, most of them for me to experience some kind an undeniable, metaphysical encounter with You.

If You refuse their requests, I shall throw my hands up in the air and that I will never understand You. I will also likely always have a skeptic monkey swinging through the trees in the back of my mind.

That’s not to say I wouldn’t continue to follow You and give credence to the claims that You are, that Jesus is Your son, that You are love, et cetera. Just that I have little idea why You wouldn’t answer a request like that.

Of course, remembering the examples of both Ethan and Kristen requires that I be patient.

This McHargue correspondence strengthens my hope that this wound of doubt I suffered last month is not for nothing. I’ve already written that you could summarize the intellectual effect of the doubt in one sentence, “I could be wrong.” And I feel peace and resolution when I say that. And perhaps that will open me up in all sorts of good, godly ways that I can’t anticipate.

mom:

Hope you made it home safely?!

It was great to be able to chat with you for so long, in spite of the disturbing circumstances. However, God is faithful and I know His truth will prevail.

Alana and I were working on a card project for church which had us in the scriptures. During the course of that time, I came across a few scriptures that I thought you would appreciate. Psalm 77:1-14 seemed to capture some of your thoughts you expressed last night:

I cried out to God for help; I cried out to God to hear me.
When I was in distress, I sought the Lord; at night I stretched out untiring hands, and I would not be comforted.
I remembered you, God, and I groaned; I meditated, and my spirit grew faint. You kept my eyes from closing; I was too troubled to speak.
I thought about the former days, the years of long ago; I remembered my songs in the night.
My heart meditated and my spirit asked: “Will the Lord reject forever? Will he never show his favor again? Has his unfailing love vanished forever? Has his promise failed for all time? Has God forgotten to be merciful? Has he in anger withheld his compassion?”
Then I thought, “To this I will appeal: the years when the Most High stretched out his right hand.
I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago. I will consider all your works and meditate on all your mighty deeds. ”Your ways, God, are holy.
What god is as great as our God? You are the God who performs miracles; you display your power among the peoples.

For some further encouragement, here is the link to Bethel’s testimonies: www.ibethel.org/testimoni… There are hundreds of them.

I also came across this as well, just as a word of, well…take it for what it’s worth.

Take care, brethren, that there not be in any one of you an evil, unbelieving heart that falls away from the living God. But encourage one another day after day, as long as it is still called “Today,” so that none of you will be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin. For we have become partakers of Christ, if we hold fast the beginning of our assurance firm until the end (Hebrews 3:12-14).

Love you like crazy!

me:

I wanted to briefly update you: I have set my face to follow Jesus. But I have to tell you, uncertainty about Him still undercuts my overall confidence and my prayer life. How do I talk with a still-invisible God of whom I’m unsure? The problem of evil makes it harder to praise Him, the problem of divine hiddenness makes it harder thank Him, and the problem of unanswered prayer makes it harder to ask of Him.

Nevertheless, as I’ve said, I’d be a fool to abandon Something that has worked so well for twenty-five years merely so I can subscribe to facile atheistic answers to three thorny questions.

Anyway, I do have many articles, books, and videos to take in to build myself back up. Thanks again for the link to the Bethel testimonies. They do help a little. And the Psalm is very practical. :)

Question: When you say, “God is faithful and I know His truth will prevail,” what do you mean? Do you mean that you know that He’ll preserve me from falling away from Him? How do you know that? Has His truth prevailed in my sisters’ lives?

mom:

First, let me say that I really appreciate you openess, brutal honesty, and forthrightness on all you are going through. I think about you everyday and pray that God make himself known to you in ways that will overwhelm you (in a good way)… Your statements of doubt are cruel - as I can see how they are haunting you relentlessly. Yet I would encorage you to: Talk to Him anyway, praise Him anyway, thank Him anyway (He’s given you soooo much!!!) and pray anyway. Faith is God’s currency - You will be rewarded. But I have something else for you to consider that may have some bearing on this ‘silence’ you are experiencing. But it’s something we should discuss when we have the time, or better, in person. I guess you knew that C.S. Lewis was once an atheist. He apparently struggled with similar questions that you have. Furthermore, as thorny as these questions are, I think those who have take an atheist’s view have yet thornier questions to answer, such as ‘Why do we exist?’, ‘What are we here for?", Does anything matter? What is truth then? what is right or wrong? We have no purpose and life is essentially meaningless. Everything is just a chemical action or reaction…Yuck….. now that’s depressing. Another point to be wary of - is believing in God on the premise that it is ‘something that has been working so well for you for 25 years’. That is wonderful and it is true that He has given you much - you have been truly blessed on many fronts!! Yet (God forbid), that could change dramatically overnight if something horrible did happen - would it be all the ammunition you need to curse God and totally reject Him? (…..again, God forbid). So, I know you you have a lot of material to review, but I recently ordered a brand new book that they were discussing on the radio about miracles. (Miracles: What They Are, Why They Happen, and How They Can Change Your Life - You will be receiving a copy any day now). I’m almost finished reading it and I am impressed with this guy’s intelligence and integrity - it’s well written and I think would appeal to your level of intellect - it’s both personal and academic. How timely! The book starts out and seems to grapple with each of these hard questions that you have been asking: unanswered prayer, the question of evil, etc. There’s no hype….I hope you enjoy it! As far as the scripture: “God is faithful and I know His truth will prevail,” By this, I didn’t intend to mean that you’ll be preserved from falling, but He will be faithful to show you His truth. What you do with that truth is a choice that you make. So let’s say for the argument, let’s do the math. The atheism is right, I am wrong, my faith is misguided and there is no God. I die and nothing happens, it’s just over. I’ve had a happy life, and have essentially lost nothing. The atheist did their thing and they lost nothing as well. However, if my faith is the real deal, there is the God of the Bible, and we die - I gain everything and the atheist loses everything - forever. I’ll take my chances and stick with Jesus. Not that that’s the depth of my faith however, but ‘just sayin’…. :) Scott, you’re an extremely gifted person and it’s God that has blessed you and created you this way for a purpose (well, probably several purposes). I believe think God has plans for you (and Carla) that you haven’t even realized yet and ways that He will use you to advance His kingdom that just makes the enemy cringe. No wonder, he would love for your faith to be come shipwrecked - it would be a huge victory for him. But God is bigger than that. The time is coming when you will be so convinced of the reality of God and His kingdom and His Word, that nothing will shake you. You have a call on your life - the charisma that you have draws people and that will draw them to Christ - in your writing, your acting, your voice, your speech, and just your personality. Your His son, a prince, a dreaded warrior. I remember at Foxwood, when you sat in Frank’s chair and proclaimed parts of Psalm 119 declarations over him. Shortly after, he (with no prompting from me) decided he wanted to read and study the bible more. Well, that’s all for now. Ti amo.# me:I received your surprise package today. Thank you! I’ll add those resources to the pile of material I plan to go through to shore up my faith. I’m not sure that any amount of reading or watching is going to utterly eliminate the doubt, but these sorts of materials are certainly helpful as a bulwark against it. More than any reading, though, I’d love for God to make himself known to me “in ways that will overwhelm” me. Here I stand with eyes, ears, and arms wide open. I agree wholeheartedly with your prayer. I want you to know that I pray, talk to, thank, and praise God despite this doubt. Surely that’s faith. I also want you to know that I still think Pascal’s wager, which is the “math” you describe, makes a lot of sense to me and remains part of my inner defenses as well, despite the idea having a philosophical beating in some anti-theist circles. And to be clear, when I say that God is “Something that has worked so well for twenty-five years,” I don’t mean to see that He has insulated me from harm (although I think He sometimes has) and that that’s why I’m loathe to give Him up. Rather, knowing Jesus as a way living in and approaching the world, even in the face of suffering, has made tons of sense so far. It has formed my heart and my outlook and is so central to my healthy, strong identity that I’d be crazy to let it go. So I don’t think that personal tragedy would be cause for me to curse and reject God. Actually, part of me suspects this grappling with the problem of evil in the abstract may be preparation to stand firm when evil hits me personally. I hope not and may it never be. But frankly, other than the divorce, which God took care of with long ago, I’ve lived a peachy life so far. So I do worry sometimes that tragedy is just around the corner. You write, “The time is coming when you will be so convinced of the reality of God and His kingdom and His Word, that nothing will shake you.” I’ve spent most of my life with that conviction. May it return. Thanks for reminding me about the Psalm 119 prayers for Frank. I’ll mark down that we should talk about God’s ‘silence’ the next time we see each other, which is in just a few weeks! Much love and thanks.

“The Lord also will be a stronghold for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble.”

— David, Psalm 9:9. A motto for foster care.

“The Lord has made Himself known.”

— David, Psalm 9:16. Would that it were that simple. But perhaps it is.

“I am going to judge my circumstances by Jesus’ love, not Jesus’ love by my circumstances.”

— Timothy Keller

Carla told me today that Sarah says that I ought to volunteer to be in someone’s life who needs help. It’ll be there that I see God.

And I agree. That’s one reason why I’m pursuing foster care. But should I be doing something else in the meantime?

It was a delight yesterday to hear with the kids the Penn State senior flute quartet play with this piece, which had a lick I think they borrowed from Debussy. They did just that: play, passing the fetching melody back and forth, making for an exquisitely planned but apparently ludic soundscape. It made me think of God.

Here is a list of Psalms that are useful when you are in doubt or distress:

• Psalm 6: “Return, O Lord, rescue my soul…”
• Psalm 10: “Why do you stand afar off, O Lord?”
• Psalm 13: “How long, O Lord? Will You forget me forever?…”
• Psalm 17: “Hear a just cause, O Lord, give heed to my cry…”
• Psalm 20: “May the Lord answer you in the day of trouble!…”
• Psalm 22: “My God, my God, why have You forsaken me?”
• Psalm 27: “The Lord is my light and my salvation…”
• Psalm 28: “To You, O Lord, I call…”
• Psalm 30: “I will extol You, O Lord, for You have lifted me up…”
• Psalm 31: “In You, O Lord, I have taken refuge…”
• Psalm 35: “Contend, O Lord, with those who contend with me…”
• Psalm 77: “My voice rises to God, and I will cry aloud…”

1. In May, I began a formal evangelistic effort toward some formerly Christian friends. It comprised reading with them The Case for Christ, Atheism & the Case Against Christ, and The Resurrection of Jesus: A New Historiographical Approach. (They have not read the latter.)
2. Serious consideration of the thoughts in the Atheism volume led to further reading on the Internet, which gave room for three theological “why?" questions to burrow into my soul:
   1. Why, if God is all-good and all-powerful, does the world contain apparently meaningless suffering and evil?
   2. Why, if God wants a relationship with His creatures, doesn’t He make Himself more obvious?
   3. Why, if prayer is supposed to work the way I understand the Bible to describe it working, doesn’t it work more often?
3. These questions led to serious religious doubt back in May, which led to anxiety, which led to a sleepless night, despite my anguished cries for rest.
4. Since then, I had mostly been able keep conscious doubt at bay. The only manifestations were anxiety as I contemplated how to talk about death and God with my kids, and anxiety about not seeing God as obvious in nature like I’m “supposed to” according to the Bible.
5. Playing too sympathetic to my friends’ doubt at a sleepover, I relapsed into doubt pretty heavily starting on about 10/12, which led to the difficulty I experienced on my DiamondBack work trip comprising two more sleepless nights and lots of doubt and anxiety; thank God that Brandon accompanied me on the trip.
6. Along the way, I have relied heavily on three primary defenses to keep me alive:
   1. The Bible anticipates suffering of all kind, including doubt and anxiety (e.g., Psalm 77), and has prescriptions on what to do about it (e.g., James 1:2-5, Hebrews 3:12-15).
   2. God has “worked” for me for twenty-five years. It would be foolish to drop Him in favor of easy, atheistic answers to my three theological questions.
   3. My friends, you included, have had experiences that are difficult to dismiss with naturalistic explanations.

If you’re not careful, you’ll cut yourself on Occam’s razor. (I’m definitely not the first person to make that joke.)